Ramblings on this past week

It feels like weeks since I have last posted, but I think it's only been one. I can't believe how quickly time seems to be flying by lately, ever since I have gone back to work. Instead of living day to day, or even moment to moment as I was a few months ago, now it seems to be week to week. I suppose that in itself is not a bad thing, except I feel like I have been neglecting my memories of Julia. I do think of her a lot, but not in the long reflective ways that I used to. I wonder what she would be doing now if she were with us, how long she would be sleeping at night, if she would have been a relaxed, carefree baby like Ethan or if she would have been more needy. She would have been 7 weeks old tomorrow. I wonder how I would have felt to be a mom to a daughter, how much attention she would have got being the first baby girl born to our family.

Last weekend I avoided a potentially difficult emotional setting. Friends of our family who had their son on Julia's due date had a birthday party for their daughter. I knew I couldn't go, I couldn't face that baby. I felt panicked just thinking of it. How could I be afraid of a little baby? I am afraid of my thoughts, afraid of facing the pain all over again, afraid of breaking down in public in front of a bunch of people I don't want to pity me. Afraid of all those questions of what happened, how we are doing now, afraid of people asking if we will be trying again. I know those people and questions are out there and I didn't feel like facing them.

Lately I have been thinking of all the parents out there who are so naive. Naive and not understanding or appreciating the blessings they have received. How much does it take to make them see how blessed they are? I have been toying with the thought of writing into the parenting magazine about an issue I am sure they have never written about. Mothers who have angel babies and the emotional stresses and heartbreaking journey they have to travel. The people they have to face, the questions they have to answer, the strengths they have found, the faith they have strengthened and the relationships they have formed with other angel baby mommies. Do you think blissfully happy mommies would want to read about that? I would probably get a note telling me "Sorry, but the content of this article is too depressing for our readers." I just want some eyes to be opened up a little, for people to realize how much miscarriage happens, how often there is infant death, what we face, how we cope, how our relationships are changed. Do you think it is possible for people to be receptive to this? I was thinking an article for October in time for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

The other day I got the most upsetting piece of mail. It was a letter from the gov't telling me that I had to pay to get Julia's name changed. Here is a bit of history to this story. On the statement of live birth I filled in Julia's name as just Julia. It was so soon after her birth that we had not given a second name any thought. The hospital filled in her name as "Baby girl to Andrea". Somehow in the process, her name was recorded as Julia Andrea and this is what I got in the mail on her statement of live birth back in February. There was a page to write in to state any errors and I changed it to Julia Rose. I suppose they may have accepted that change if I didn't include Rose (as it was not on statement of live birth I filled out), but they didn't go for it. I don't know why the negative letter struck such a bitter chord with me, but I had a good long cry and many Ethan hugs and smiles trying to cheer me up. Long story short, after speaking with the funeral home (they were tied into this as well) they told me that they would help to correct the situation. Now, to fill out a mountain of paperwork. I effectively have to change her name even though they didn't get it right in the first place. Humph! Not something I really want to deal with, but I am determined to make it correct to honour my Julia.

On a more happier note...A few weeks ago I wrote about purchasing Julia's rose bush. I did get one and planted it in the perfect spot in my garden. I was going to post pictures of it, but then the most depressing thing happened. Some really happy bunnies discovered it and ate ALL of the leaves off of it. (Well, there were two tiny ones left, but I really had to look for them.) Who ever heard of bunnies eating rose leaves? Anyhow, that very same night I put chicken wire up around it to protect it from any further demise. I am happy to say that today it is flourishing! There are tons of new leaves on it and I am awaiting the first rose bud to pop up on it. I have not taken any pictures of it yet, but when I do, I will post them.

In addition to the rose bush I purchased for Julia, I received a second as a gift! Such a thoughtful and loving gesture from a truly caring and understanding coworker. I can only imagine how long she looked for the perfect one. It is called Julia Renaissance and it is a pink rose bush. It already has one blossom on it that has started to open and it is so fragrant! I am afraid to plant it in the garden without chicken wire for fear that the rabbits will get that one too!

Pictures to follow soon!