I know Julia is doing well, she forgives me for any decisions I think were bad. She is trying so hard to let me know she is okay and happy. These plants were given to me at the hospital.
The red one, the dead one, was given to me by the staff before Julia was born. The white one, the alive one, was given to us at Julia's baptism. They were cared for exactly the same way. Mine, the red one is dead; My old self is dead. I am trying to be reborn into my new self, the one who is not naive anymore, who is stronger than she realized, who feels deeper than thought possible, who feels so much more love than ever before. I am trying to find my way, sometimes walking, sometimes stumbling. Julia's plant is flourishing. She is with God now, happy. She is trying to tell me in her own way. She is here, I can feel her presence but I can't give her a hug. I just want her back, I just want to give her one more kiss, one more hug, and then another and another....
Why do we have to make these decisions????
Yes the ugly what if monster. I've battled with it as i'm sure that we all have, but we just have to hold on to the belief that we made the best decision, that these were decisions that no one should have to make and we made the best ones. Even though i know it is hard (b/c i still struggle with it myself) we have to try and take comfort that our babies are in the safest place (besides here with us in our arms) that they can be. I hope the what if's soon dissipate and completely go away for you. I hope you find comfort in the small things that you remember about your beautiful julia. Sending you lots of warm hugs and love.
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I suck and caring for plants too. So much so i told hubby a card would do every now and again instead of flowers (smilling)
Andrea,
ReplyDeleteThe what if monster is the most horrid. And being practical as you are, know the decision you made was right. We do what is best for everyone at that time. If I had to do it over again, knowing Elliot wouldn't live, I would not have had him hooked to all of those tubes, being poked and proded his entire life, the what if monster haunts me too! It's human nature to think what if we would have done things differently...actually, to be honest, I don't know who made the decision to hook Elliot up to the monitors, I was out cold, and I haven't had the heart to ask DH about that night or if the docs are the ones who made the decision for us...everything happened so fast..
May your heavy heart become lighter with time. May you find yourself smiling about yout angel instead of crying. And may you find comfort in our horrid litte group!
Hugs!
Brandy
We lost our son a few weeks ago... same old story... leaves us feeling weak, powerless and vulnerable. Couldn't they just have let him be born premature, and hang out in a little hot tub next to mommy's hospital bed while he grew some lungs? I fear the "what-if" question will haunt me all my life. But then again, I believe God gives us knowledge when we are ready for it. That day, He gave me confidence in the doctor's knowledge... a doctor, who sadly, had been through the same hurt, said our baby would only survive a miracle. The miracle didn't come, but we rest our weary hearts in knowing we'd sacrifice the joy of loving him, knowing him, and watching him grow here on Earth, in a heartbeat, if it meant saving him from a lifetime of illness, mental redardation, and cerebal palsy, a life of misery and heartache. Instead, our angel children are laughing together, playing, learning and looking down on us! They are all praying for us mommies and daddies down here, saying, "Don't be sad! I love you and I know how much you love me! Life on Earth is short, love each other, love my siblings, and come join us when you're ready... God has amazing plans for us all."
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