I was told yesterday that I am strong, to be able to talk about everything that happened so close to Julia passing away was amazing. I have been told this before on several accounts. In fact, while I was still in the hospital waiting to come home a few of my nurses told me so and the social worker there was very surprised at my state of mind when she came to visit. She was not sure she had the right room. Don't get me wrong, I have had several breakdowns and low points and I let myself feel them. Then why is it I appear strong to others when talking of my dear Julia? This is a question that has been circling in my mind a lot. Is it because I had time to deal with what may happen prior to Julia passing? Is it because my mind won't let me feel it as deeply as others? Is it because I didn't make as much a connection to my baby as others did, not feel as deeply? Is it because after she was born I was able to spend precious time with her and say good bye how I needed to? Is it because I have her ashes here at home with me to know she is close? Is it because I have been dealing with my grieving in a healthy way all along by telling my story over and over and getting out all that crying in the first weeks? Is it because I let go of all those emotions after telling them to my husband? Is it because I have a 2yr old son to cheer me up, those grins just melt away all sorrow. Is it just how my mind works, one of a practical thinker? Is it because I have not been out in the public too much, not having to answer too many questions, not having to return to work yet? Am I still in a state of disbelief and shock? Am I pushing it from my mind, suppressing my emotions? Is it because I have learned to be strong after being teased and feeling like an outcast all through elementary school?
I don't know what my future holds. At my group session yesterday our councillor told me that I am not there yet - it has not hit me. She thinks I am still in a state of shock and don't have full realization of what happened and that it will hit me in a couple of months. We will see.
I don't have all bad days, in fact I seem to have more good than bad. Today the sun is breaking through the clouds from all the snow flurries we had yesterday. It is a deceivingly cold -10C (14F), but somewhat cheery. I need to go grocery shopping today. We are low in just ab
out everything. I look out the window and think of the warmer weather we will have come spring and what I will do with my gardens. I want to plant something to memorialize Julia. A rose bush perhaps? Just recently I found how much I love roses. They bloom all summer long and can be full of fragrance. They are such beautiful flowers. There is a rose bush named after Julia Child that is a gorgeous yellow. I was thinking of getting that one. Or a shrub perhaps? At the back section of my property I am getting rid of all the perennials, relocating what I can and putting in mulch and large shrubs. I have too many gardens to tend to just by myself. (The lady who lived here before went crazy with the gardens, all around the perimeter of the property, all around the pool and up the side of the driveway - and we don't have a small property either, it is 100x175). Anyways, today is what I hope to be a good day and I am feeling optimistic.
Sending good day vibes to all of you too and for those of us in the cooler climates, here's to an early spring. :)
out everything. I look out the window and think of the warmer weather we will have come spring and what I will do with my gardens. I want to plant something to memorialize Julia. A rose bush perhaps? Just recently I found how much I love roses. They bloom all summer long and can be full of fragrance. They are such beautiful flowers. There is a rose bush named after Julia Child that is a gorgeous yellow. I was thinking of getting that one. Or a shrub perhaps? At the back section of my property I am getting rid of all the perennials, relocating what I can and putting in mulch and large shrubs. I have too many gardens to tend to just by myself. (The lady who lived here before went crazy with the gardens, all around the perimeter of the property, all around the pool and up the side of the driveway - and we don't have a small property either, it is 100x175). Anyways, today is what I hope to be a good day and I am feeling optimistic.
As grief seems to hit for everyone in different ways and at different times, I would say that you are all of those things that you have listed, and that you are doing an excellent job dealing with your feelings and expressing how you feel on a daily basis; so keep doing that.
ReplyDeleteFrom my experience, I would say the first month or so is a blur, and the grief will set in at a different level, and at times it may seem worse than ever before. It is good that you are aware of the grieving process, and this will hopefully help when the low points are there.
Take the good days when they come and embrace them. Try not to worry too much into the future as to how long they are going to last and what not, I did this and I regret it. I was so focused on when is this going to be over, and didn't enjoy the "good" days as they came.
You are doing an amazing job.... you will continue to have these confusing feelings for awhile, but at least you have an outlet to express them.
Thinking of you! xoxo
I think that we all grieve differently. I don't think there is a right or wrong or strong or weak way in which we do so, i think we just grieve according to the person we are, just b/c you handle it better than some doesn't make your hurt anymore or less than anyone elses on this journey. I think it is a blessing to be able to stand strong, but the emotions tht come along this journey we all cross them, just at different times and in different order. You are amazing and i say just continue to take one day at a time and continue to be you and be strong and on days you aren't just know that we are here for you to lean on or tie your knot as my kindred spirits would say. Hugs and LOve to you.
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