This week's challenges...

A couple of days ago my 2 year old son, Ethan, asked me "Where is your baby Mama?" (We had occasionally talked about the baby in Mommy's tummy and asked him if he wanted a brother or a sister. I am sometimes amazed at the memory a 2 year old can have.) I picked him up and told him that Mommy's baby is in heaven. Mommy's baby died and is never coming home. Mommy is really sad and sometimes Mommy will need special hugs to feel better. The spirit, the essence, the soul of Mommy's baby is with us and will watch over us. I know he didn't understand, but it seemed to satisfy him. When my son gets older I want him to understand that he had a sister, but she died when she was born. I will tell him again when he is ready.

Today I filled out an EI form for maternity leave. (Here in Canada we get 17 weeks of leave if your baby is born after 20 weeks gestation but does not live.) It was a very difficult thing to do, especially filling out the birth date and expected birth date. It brought it all back.

I am a little afraid of this coming Friday, afraid of how I will react, what I will be thinking. In the morning I will be going to have follow-up blood work done. Going back to the hospital where I was poked so many times, back to the hospital where I last saw Julia, back to all the memories. In the evening I will be visiting my friend who had her baby on December 27th. My other work friends will be there, one of whom is pregnant and is due one week earlier than I would have been. I am optimistic that I will be okay, I felt only happiness and a wish for everything to continue to be okay with my pregnant friend when I saw her last week, and when I think of seeing my friend's baby I think of how blessed she and her husband are, and how I will be holding a miracle of life.

Life goes on. There are so many things that I put on hold and have been hesitant to do. This week I am starting to venture out into the unexpected. Unexpected because these things will incorporate themselves differently into a part of my new life, unexpected because I don't know how I will react, what I will feel. I welcome it though, I know it is time for me to stop protecting myself, learn about my new self, and move forward.