Growing through grieving

I have been reading this book about making your way through grief and transcending yourself to a new being after having gone through the experience. It is called "The Gift of Grief, Finding peace, transformation, and renewed life after great sorrow." by Matthew D. Gewirtz. The author is a rabbi from Short Hills, New Jersey. One of the main things he talks about is being stripped down to your core, losing almost all of your spirit and psyche. While in this state, one is able to connect with oneself (your soul) on a deeper level and to come out of grief with a new normal. While grieving you strip yourself down emotionally, feel the rawness and in the end you can come out of it a better person both emotionally and spiritually. This is achieved by allowing yourself to feel the pain, to be open, and being truthful with yourself. You find yourself wanting to associate with others who are genuine and not superficial. You will find more happiness and joy in the people around you.

I have read that when you are grieving, all past experiences of loss of any sort that were not properly dealt with come back. I am starting to realize that I am dealing with this very thing, and it was not grieving the death of someone loved. It was being emotionally stripped down while I was in elementary school, being teased in front of all my pears, made fun of, talked of behind people’s backs. I felt so alone and scared and I think instinctively I knew at that time that I needed to be with people who were genuine, but not realizing it outwardly. I had to be with people who could understand and feel the same pain I did. I had a girlfriend that was this person to me, but alas, she has gotten lost along the way, I feel like she isn't in touch with her needs and is building the wrong future for herself. Anyways, she and I drifted apart and as she got more friends in high school she became less genuine and in some cases deceiving. During my school years I saw the pain in others who experienced the same as I did and I wanted to reach out to help them, to make them feel better. Occasionally this has backfired on me. Once those I helped felt better again, they went back to being the same superficial people as before. Oh the pain and failure I felt at making friends...all because I wanted a genuine girlfriend who was not afraid of being herself.

I have always been one to talk about personal, meaningful, things; I was never good at small talk. I have never had a problem with bearing my soul to others whom I trusted, I feel that being open is the only way I know how to communicate with my friends. I think it may have made some people uncomfortable, not wanting to do the same in return.

I have one dear girlfriend who unfortunately lives a couple hours from me. She is so very genuine. I always felt such a connection with her, even after being apart for months we would still have those amazing chats as if we had just talked yesterday. She has had her fair share of difficulties during her life which I think has made her to be the loving, caring, genuine person that she is. During my grieving process she is the one who I know has felt what I feel - each one of her emails has made me cry because I felt such compassion and understanding from her. I feel like going through my grief for Julia has in turn enabled me to understand the process how she became the person she has. I believe that I was always a genuine person, but I believe too that there is always more that I could do to become even more caring, less materialistic, and to see inside people, not just what their outward appearance is.

Looking at my relationship with my husband with this new realization about the process of grieving, helps me to deeper understand a part of the connection we feel. He too was ridiculed in elementary school and was alone. He too had to suffer the hardships of teasing and being stripped of a childhood of happiness and naivety. I believe because of this he is such a smart, loving and genuine man and I love him so much. Certainly this is not the only basis of our relationship, but I feel closer to him understanding more deeply the emotional connection and state of being we share having been down a similar road in our childhood. I understand why our experiences made us the people we are today.

Being in this grieving state of feeling pain, hurt, regret, anger, sadness, loneliness and emptiness (to name a few) I realize I have returned to the same state I was emotionally back in my childhood. I think that my childhood experience is what is helping me through my grief now. I know to reach out to people, I know to surround myself with genuine souls, I know that in time things will get better and I will be able to move forward. Certainly there are also things that I am learning now to help me through, such as talking, exploring my thoughts, and leaning on my husband and family for love and support. I am also learning that I used to look for the wrong type of people in friendships. I wanted people to like me so badly that I was blinded by my own instincts to stay away from certain people. I now know why I felt and feel the connection to certain people and not others. I feel more clearheaded which is such a relief. I am reaping some of the benefits of feeling grief so deeply. Don't get me wrong, I would give anything to hold my dear Julia in my arms again, to have her be our living daughter at home, a sister for Ethan, but I am also thankful that I realize that I have the opportunity for emotional growth, and understanding myself better while travelling on this journey. I know that I will be a better mother, wife, daughter, friend, and role model because of it, and for this I am thankful. The journey is still not over and I have so much more growing to do but I feel like I can look forward to my future.