New found confidence

The last few days of this week were challenging for me. On Thursday I went back to the hospital where Julia was born for the first time. I was first meeting a social worker to drop off a donation for the antenatal ward and some really cute preemie hats my mom had knitted. While I was waiting for her I realized I was just outside the neo natal ward. Babies were being rolled by and I was okay for a short time, until I thought of how my Julia was almost one of them. Thankfully there was a visitor lounge nearby where I was able to wait. It was so nice to talk to the social worker and to tell her how happy I was for all the positive experiences the hospital was able to provide for me...the memory box, all the suggestions and advice of the nurses, the visit of a social worker prior to me being discharged from the hospital. She was also so open to new suggestions and ideas I had for the ward. I was also very touched at a pin and story she gave me, the Dragonfly Story. I'm sure many of you have already heard the story and know how it touches the heart.

Next visit was to the 4B clinic, the clinic where I had gone for all my prenatal appointments and ultrasounds. I had called ahead of time so that they would have the requisition papers ready for my blood work so it would only be an in/out for me at that office. Do you think they had those papers ready?? Of course not! I was asked to go and sit for a few minutes while they prepared them. I just stared at the receptionist like "You have got to be kidding me!". The waiting room was the fullest I have ever seen it. There had to have been between 10 to 15 women waiting there, bellies bulging, laughing and sharing stories. I sat down on the first seat and just stared at the floor, completely ridgid. I was trying so hard...I started to feel claustaphobic, couldn't breathe...I lost it. I interrupted the receptionist to tell her I was leaving to wait elsewhere and ran out the door. I had to wait at least 10 minutes for the nurse to come out with the papers for my blood work. I couldn't believe it...she even asked me if I was alright! Could she not see the tears, my red eyes? (I have been a bit short tempered and sarcastic lately which is really uncharacteristic of me - I have been reassured though, that my lovely self will eventually return.) I should have told her that they should know better than to ask me to wait in there, to have an alternative waiting area, but all I could say was that I'd be fine. I think I'll mention it in two weeks on the 17th when I have my follow up appt.

The visit with my friends was really nice. My friends' baby was so small and so perfect...a miracle and a blessing. I eventually held him and so many memories of my son being at that age came back. There were so many times during that night that I thought of Julia and what might have been, but I was okay. It was nice to be out with friends. When I got home I took out Julia's memory box and cried. It wasn't a terrible cry, they were tears of love - I love and miss her so much and I just wanted to hold her at that moment. I fell asleep with her blanket.

I have been experiencing so many thoughts and emotions these past 6 weeks. I am just starting to try to piece them together to learn more about myself, my relationships, my new outlook on life. It's not easy. In some aspects I don't think I have changed very much but there are so many new things swirling around in my head that are a part of the new me, but I just don't feel like I can grasp at them so I can't make sense of them. I don't know if that makes sense or not...

Anyhow, I am proud of myself for facing the unknowns around those corners and for the most part everything turned out okay. There are still so many hurdles and challenges in the days ahead and now I feel a little more confident to handle them.