Wee Hours of the Morning

Something about the wee hours make things so clear. My mind has had some time to digest the happenings of the day before and it all makes sense, but with so much more meaning.

I woke up around 3am and could not get back to sleep. I checked my temperature once again to make sure the fever was staying down. I lay in bed, with a blank mind, a frustrated mind at not being able to sleep, but then in pops one thought, then another.

We were at a wedding the day before - my best friends wedding from high school. I made her wedding cake for her and so I was so focused on getting it done and to the reception safe and

sound that I didn't really prepare myself for all the social aspects that were to come. Seeing the people from high school that I have not seen for years. The people who are very much not a part of my world. The people who very much do not understand where I have been and where I am going - how I have changed since I have seen them last.

I have never really been that great at small talk. With me it is all the important stuff. That's what matters to talk about with me. What makes you tick, why you are feeling the way you are, why you are at that point in your life where you are. I realize that there are some things that could be considered small talk that would fulfill those things, but they only last in conversation for so long.

So when the questions of "When did you go back to work?" "When did you have your last?" started flying, I had not prepared myself and the only answers in the fore front of my mind were about Julia. Especially after being at the ceremony and having many memories come flooding back about ours.

At our wedding we had the verse "These are the hands" read while we held hands, happily, with no idea of how much those hands would support each other in the years to come. There is one part of it that goes "These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes: tears of sorrow and tears of joy. These are the hands that will comfort you in illness, and hold you when fear or grief fill you." Well, when I heard those lines again yesterday I could not help the tears from flowing, thinking back to all that has happened over the past 5 years. Yup, it will be 5 years at the end of this month. Just in the past several months all the times that Mike has held my hands, the countless hugs with the flood of tears that would come - sometimes unexpectedly. Never in my wildest imagination could I have ever expected tears to come because of losing a part of me, losing my baby girl. And I mean wildest imagination because I was just so naive before...these things just didn't happen...hadn't ever heard of them happening.

So, after having being asked these questions and being a bit confused because I know some of them may have found out through the grapevine but not really being sure, I asked for clarification for the first question - You mean after Julia? And after the second question with Julia being in the forefront of my mind I said Julia was born in December.

Then came the explanation of what happened. I quickly just skimmed over the details about how she was born early and too little to live.

What did I get? Looks of pity. No "I'm sorry", no "How are you doing?". This is what I get from people who have not gone through those terrible times in life. Or maybe they were just so stunned hearing this at a wedding that I threw them for a loop? Like I said before...no small talk with me.

On the bright side, my friend looked absolutely lovely in her dress. :)

It was her mother's gown that her aunt had made for her mother and they whitened it up, added some colour and it looked fabulous! She wore her grandmother's wedding band. Three things close to her heart on her wedding day. My friend is one person who absolutely understands the pain I have gone through, the rock bottom that I hit. And it wasn't because she lost her own child but because of many other tough times she has endured over the years.

It struck me last night in the wee hours how blissfully happy she was yesterday and how much she can really appreciate the love and support she will receive from her husband over the years. She knows the complete opposite feelings and so she can truly, I mean truly appreciate the man she has in her life, and appreciate feeling full of love on her wedding day and in the days and years to come.

It struck me too how lucky I was to have such a wonderful man who stays by my side and holds my hand when I need it. Like last night when I was thinking and crying - remembering when I had to give Julia up - and he laid beside me and held my hand. What a wonderful way to finally fall asleep.