Meditation and work don't mix

So, since I have gone back to work, I have been incredibly busy and feeling like I have a million things on my mind. I have tons of things going on with Girl Guides (as it is coming to a close), in the evenings I am getting ready for work the next day, as well as trying to spend as much time as possible with Ethan. Needless to say, I have not had much time to just sit and relax much. I have thought of Julia often, but never very reflectively.

This week is health and safety week. Our workplace is putting on a different workshop each day. Todays was a talk about stress and learning how to manage it through meditation techniques. I was really looking for some techniques to manage my stress for when I get home from work. It is just rush, rush, rush until I have dinner ready and we are all eating. I have been trying to get things prepared as in advance as possible, but sometimes that does not happen. Anyhow, the presenter had some great techniques and I found myself lost in my happy place completely relaxed. She had time for one more technique to show us. It was how to focus our thoughts and to ground them.

She began to talk. Close your eyes and focus on your heart beat. Think of your heart beat and how it sounds, how it feels. Think of something happy. (Julia was flitting through my thoughts) Think of a gold string connected to your heart (Julia will always be in my heart) and think of it going up through your throat up to the sky. (That is where Julia is right now, playing having fun...is that the laughter of two girls I hear?) Now think of that gold string connecting you to the ground. (Now I can feel the presence of Julia's friend's mom. Although she is miles away, I could feel a connection full of love and determination. I can still hear the girls laughter. I start to cry.) Now bring yourself back to the moment and open your eyes. (No! I want to stay in this moment, listening to my daughter laugh with her friend! Feel connected with my friend who also lost a little girl. I don't want to come back to work!!)

Needless to say, after that I was a mess. People flitted looks at me, some asked me if I was okay. Did I look okay? No, but I had just experienced such a wonderful connection with my daughter that I was very emotional. People just don't understand. There have been times that I just need to talk to someone who gets it, who will listen and really understand, but there is nobody to be found. This is the fourth time in a week and a half that I had (or almost had) a meltdown. I think that people see now that we just don't get over it. That there will be triggers. On top of that, I think that I needed that down time. I need more of it. I had been supressing that all week and I still need a good cry. Tonight I will go and spend some quality time with Julia. Remembering her, smelling her clothes, looking at her pictures. Allow myself to miss her and think of what a blessing she has been and will contine to be.

I love you Julia with all my heart and I miss you so much!! Love, Mommy