A Heart-wrenching Conversation

After a heart-wrenching conversation the other day I find myself wondering how my subconscious is dealing with it. This conversation was with someone whom I love very much, but who has never experienced the raw emotion and myriad of feelings that comes with losing a baby who was born too early or who has never been faced with making such difficult decisions over life and death that I have had to do in the last year.

I have had a headache on and off since the conversation and I know that something is nagging at me. I can look at the conversation one way and know that the person was just trying to help me, to take away the pain and help me move forward. But on the other side, it angers me that this person thought that perhaps they could help me, to “fix” me when they lack the true understanding of being in my position, and how it can just take time to go through the grieving process and how everyone does it differently. It was suggested that perhaps a psychologist could help me to not only deal with things I know consciously but to bring forth things I didn’t even know were bothering me subconsciously.

This whole conversation was triggered because I mentioned how I had finally met the baby that was born on Julia’s due date and that by looking at this baby I was linking where Julia would have been cognitively and physically. I mentioned how I was not really sure how it made me feel. The baby was cute, I didn’t want to hold it though, and I still had some bitter thoughts inside to the effect of “this baby got to live but my Julia didn’t”. I feel as though these thoughts are quite natural, but based on the conversation I had it seems as though the person thought that maybe I should have moved more forward in my grief than I had.

The conversation continued on with “Remember how you said you had wished that you could have looked into Julia’s eyes before she had died?” Hearing this along with several other painful memories which brought me to tears, feeling the raw emotion I have not felt for so many months now, raw as when my Julia died just over a year ago, was not an easy thing to do.

It was suggested that maybe there is some issue that my subconscious mind has not dealt with yet and that is why I am still feeling these grieving type emotions. Well, give me a break. It was just the one year anniversary of my Julia, I had just seen for the first time the baby that was born on her due date and I am still processing how things went over Christmas and how they made me feel.

Perhaps this person has reached some sort of peace in their mind about the loss of Julia and they felt as though I should have too.

I explained that they would never be able to understand where I was at emotionally and that any old psychologist would not really be able to understand where I was at either unless they had gone through a similar situation themselves. It is so different to lose a grandparent or parent versus losing your child. So many different emotions to deal with, so many different thoughts either surrounding the actual death or what life would have been like had the child not died.

In some ways the conversation flip flopped back and forth so that I couldn’t really understand what point it was that was being made. They told me that what I was feeling was completely normal to which I answered emphatically “I KNOW!” but on the flip side it was suggested that I have some issues that I have not yet dealt with and may need some assistance. I was also told that they wished they could just take the pain and remove the whole incident from my life so they would not have to see me suffer.

But don’t they know that several positives have come from this experience as well? Sure I hurt a lot and have guilt still associated with Julia’s death. But this experience has reshaped the relationship I have with my son and husband, and not in a negative way. I love more openly, feel more deeply, have more empathy towards others. In a way, it has added a whole other dimension to my relationships. In addition, I have also touched so many others just due to the empathy I feel because of similarities in our situations, and made some great relationships with other women travelling this same emotional journey as myself. Having this empathy and helping others with whatever comforting words I can say helps me so much. It brings me some happiness knowing that I can help others, sometimes just by telling them that I’ve experienced the same as them and that they are not alone and that what they are feeling is normal.

I know that there are things that I still need to come to terms with, but I also know that time will help with that. I tend to process things slowly and I am totally okay with that. I feel as though I have been moving forward quite well with my grief. I know that it is a lifelong thing that will always be there, and when I feel in my heart that I can forgive myself for things I did or decisions I made I will do just that. But no talking to anyone will hurry that process along. It is something that I need to do in my own time, realize at my own pace.

I hope that through my conversation the other day and through various others that I have been able to relay my thoughts so that there is more clarity, though I know they will never really truly understand the place from which I come. I am content with my grieving journey and take the ups and downs as they come and deal with things as they arise. I hope they realize that I am not depressed, that I am only grieving my daughter and that this grief can last years. I hope they realize that I am happy with my life, that I adore my husband and son and the new baby that is on the way. I am most happy when I am with them, and feel so supported when I am surrounded with their love.

Julia will always be in my heart, she will always be my second born, and she will always be in my thoughts especially around certain times of the year. I know that one day her and my spirits will meet again and that brings me so much happiness.