Julia's First Angelversary

I think the anticipation leading up to the 25th was the difficult part. On the night of the 24th, I couldn't sleep, I kept waking up every hour remembering what had happened the year before at those times. I even went on the computer and wrote some stuff thinking it might help to clear my mind, and perhaps it did, but what really helped was my hubby holding me as I cried - listening to all my thoughts and just holding me close. I hadn't wanted to wake him up, but I couldn't keep the tears from falling. (Now, a few days later, I just feel sad.)

Christmas morning was fun, Ethan was so excited about Santa coming that I found myself smiling before I even saw him. Imagine hearing that Santa got him a blue boat for Christmas and then me saying out loud "A boat? Really? Wow!" While full well knowing that it was a blue plastic sled for doing his first downhill tobogganing ever. :) He was so excited over everything!

We had a lovely breakfast of 'nalashneeki' (no idea of how to spell it in Polish - it is just a name for crepes but a Christmas tradition that Mike and I started after we were married). I made an apple filling to put inside and it was delicious.

Then Ethan opened his big gifts (his stocking was allowed before breakfast) and he was completely immersed in all his new toys and games. He was right there though to watch when Mommy and Daddy opened their gifts. I got some lovely gifts to remember Julia and other gifts to say that people were thinking of her and us that day. It warmed my heart.

Of course, at the back of both my husbands and my minds were the thoughts of the year past. That afternoon we were heading to my parents to be with my family and I had been looking forward to it, but somehow we found ourselves dragging our feet. Maybe it was more anticipation, maybe it was the lack of sleep, maybe it was the emotional parts still getting at us - probably a bit of all.

I had made a cake the day before and made a bouquet of gumpaste roses to put on the top as decoration. But making Julia's cake was not the same as making other birthday cakes. It made me sad...it made me sad that she was not here to see it, that it was not to celebrate another year here with us on earth, that it was not to celebrate becoming another year older. I think it is one thing that I would not do again next year. But I do absolutely adore the pink roses that I made for the top. They are the exact same shade of pink as her rosebush in my garden. I am going to frame them somehow, like in a shadow box, and keep them forever.



I have a couple of lovely candle holders made especially to remember Julia and I had planned to have one of them on the dinner table with us during our meal. I had one special one in mind to use, but then when I opened the one my friend Katy gave me for Christmas with the rose etched on the side I knew that was the one we would light. It was perfect, and it was like Julia was there with us, watching over all of us.


Earlier that day, we also released some balloons for her. :) We had all sorts of colours and each of us either wrote or drew something special for Julia on those balloons. Ethan counted up to three for us...one, two, four, three (too much pressure!!) and we let them all go and watched them until we couldn't see them anymore. There was something really special about that, sharing that moment with my family.

I was quite tired by the time the night rolled around and the day was over. It had been a special day - a day mixed with several feelings and thoughts. Looking back on it it felt as though the day was too crowded with too many various things going on and I still find myself wishing that her day could have been another other than on Christmas, a day special just for her. I think we may continue to honour her in a really special way (us all taking the day off and booking to do things together as a family) on her due date in April. When we did that this past year it just felt so special, and we all had a nice time.

I am so thankful that her angelversary was shared with so many loving people. So many people on the blogs, on facebook, through cards and emails and of course my family. Each time I knew another person was thinking of her it brought a smile to my face and some more peace to my heart.

We love you Julia, and miss you so very much. Much love and hugs, Mommy, Daddy and Ethan.