It's December

It’s December…has been for a while. Everyone is getting ready for Christmas, us included, but we are also anticipating what other feelings that day will bring. It will be Julia’s first heavenly birthday.

There have been several difficult moments this December so far. Seeing all the stores put up their decorations, hearing the Christmas music playing, opening the first Christmas card, having our Christmas party at work with all the visiting moms and their babies (I was not visiting and didn’t have Julia with me), seeing all the babies of the past year in a slide show but not having Julia’s picture up there, hearing about “all the maternity absences” and wanting to be one of the lucky ones who was still off with a baby at home. Putting up the Christmas tree and realizing how much it hurt both my husband and I to be doing so, but doing it for our son, Ethan.

There have also been many moments where I realize what a wonderful son we have, how thoughtful he is, how perceptive of how Mommy and Daddy feel. My favourite is when we were decorating the tree. Mike and I hung a couple of ornaments for Julia. Ethan hung several. They weren’t even dedicated ornaments with her name or anything…just hearts. Each one he put on the tree he said “This heart ornament is for us to remember Julia.” He was so proud as a big brother to be putting them up and I knew he knew that Mommy and Daddy would be proud of him for doing so. It was such a beautiful moment but so sad at the same time. I know Ethan wonders about Julia and why she is not here, but is accepting that she will never live with us in our home. He thinks of her often and his teachers at school know about his sister in heaven because he told them and I’m sure some of his friends do too.

We have attended a candlelight ceremony for loved ones lost. It was such a beautiful ceremony – Mike and both had our own candles and lit one together for Julia. There was also a talk of how to cope with the holidays. There were a few good pointers, one of which was to give yourself permission to not to do certain things that you really didn’t want to do – things that would really upset you or stress you out. Like for some, putting up a tree, sending out cards, hosting a party, attending a party. Even though the point of the evening was the candles and the talk, it was comforting in some odd way to know that we were not the only ones in our community having a difficult time with Christmas. And since then, I have been hearing of many others who are experiencing difficult times because of a loved one being extremely sick. My heart goes out to them.

One of the difficult things we have had to do was decide what special things we were going to do for Julia’s birthday. We want the day to be special in itself for her, not just because it is Christmas. I asked Ethan what he wanted to do and he told me “Have a little baby cake for her and buy her a present.” What else is important to a three year old? But I thought these ideas were perfect. I’m not sure what the cake will look like yet, but I’ll think of something special. And the toy…I came up with the perfect idea. I remembered how difficult it was for me to be at the hospital over the holidays last year and right away I knew I wanted to make it easier for someone else to be there. How about donating a gift to a one year old girl that would be spending the holiday there? I spoke with the social worker at the hospital and was elated to find out that they have a program where they will accept the gift and even give it specifically to the person I want. I was so emotional when I found out that I could touch the life of another little girl, and perhaps make it a bit easier for her and her family knowing that there are people who care and knowing that there are people hoping for a year with much health and happiness for them. I think I may even want to make this an annual event where each year we buy a gift that we think Julia would have liked and donate to a girl at the hospital who will be there on Julia’s birthday.

One very meaningful thing I knew I wanted to do ever since Julia died was to send out a memorial of sorts for her. Mike and I designed a Christmas card to send out this year with a lovely memorial in it for her. Sending a card that said Merry Christmas or Happy holidays just felt wrong, and I knew I would not have been motivated at all to send those out. On the front we have several words of what is meaningful to us, not just at Christmas but all the time. Things like family, love, togetherness, peace and cherish each moment. Inside, we have her footprints inside a heart with angel wings attached and we have written Julia our Christmas Angel, you will be in our hearts forever. And then at the side we are simply wishing for each person and their family to have a peaceful holiday. I was really happy with the way it turned out, and we are even thinking of doing a personally designed card each year – something that really means something to us, and something that will honour Julia.

Another thing we will be doing for her birthday is releasing balloons. We will be at my parents house that day, and my brothers and sister and inlaws will be there as well. I know they would like to do something special for Julia too – we can all write messages to her and send them to her up in heaven. I’d also like to have a candle lit for her at dinner that night, to symbolize her spiritual presence with us.

I’m not sure how we will all feel that day, but I do know that it will be all over the map. Happy, sad, you name it. And I know that by the end of the day I will want to crash – and need the next day to recover. But most of all, I will miss her, love her, remember her – with people I love and who mean the world to me.