Today I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself.
Missing being pregnant with Julia. She would have been with us in about 4 weeks if gone full term.
Wondering what if we had made a different decision back on that fateful day?
If we had, and she survived, what quality of life would Julia have had?
If we had, would I have died?
If we had and she was born via C, would I have been able to conceive again with the complications that may have arisen?
Will I be able to conceive and enjoy being pregnant again, will I have another abruption?
I feel sad that we don’t have two little ones at home, sad that there are such terrible things that touch all of our lives.
Sad that we have to know such pain and grief, sad that we can’t be naïve anymore.
But where would naivety get me? It didn’t allow me to really appreciate life to its fullness, to understand what so many others are faced with each day. It is like what another father said: “I feel as though I have joined the human family.”
But did I have to learn of such things by way of losing my baby?
I never thought that it would be us.
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It makes me so sad that we have to know such pain and grief also. It is all so hard. Just know that I am thinking about you! xx
ReplyDeleteKnow that feeling...just yesterday, as I was telling my MIL that all things aside, had I known how hard it is to recover from a c-section, I wouldn't have been pushing for it the WHOLE pregnancy!!! Mom told me everyone told me that but I was too stubborn--I REALLY, REALLY wanted a c-section. Finally, about 7 or so weeks before Matthew was born, I got tired of hearing everyone and their uncle tell me that a c-section was not good for me OR baby. So, I decided I'd just suck it up and do what was best for the baby. Everyone was thrilled (but I still sort of had that nagging feeling it would end up needing to be a c-section).
ReplyDeleteI reminded mom that HAD I stuck to my guns, and scheduled a c-section, Matthew would be alive today. She got quiet and I told her that would always, always, always be my sickening what-if. WHAT IF I had just insisted that I wanted a c-section?
It's hell to do those what-ifs, so I hate them for you. They're torturous and I hope you are able to know that there's no doubt that given the knowledge you have at each second, you do the best you can with what you have and can't hold yourself accountable for what-ifs or could-have-beens...
Thinking of you!
i am sorry that you are hurting today. I am sending you lots of hugs and love right now. Hoping your heart begans to mend.
ReplyDeleteHi sweet girl,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are struggling...I wish I could answer all of these questions for you and take your pain away. I have a million questions myself, and its all a part of going thru the stages, over and over again. When you finally have an "up" day, make sure you embrace it. I hope that is soon. Sending lots of love and hugs, know we are on this crazy roller coaster with you xxxooo
I'm so sorry my dear. I also run through those endless questions in my mind. As I've said, it is an impossible decision to take and you made the choices that you did out of love for Julia.
ReplyDeleteIt is a very tough way to 'learn of such things' to lose a baby. I never thought it would be us either. x
sending you love and hoping that your mind is at peace for at least a little bit today and to let you know ( in the aol you've got mail voice) You've been awarded so check out my blog. Hugs and Love to you.
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