Yesterday...

Yesterday was one of those days. I woke up with the feeling of saddness, I felt the weight of nothingness on my shoulders. I had nothing to do, couldn't motivate myself to do anything. I couldn't even bring to words or thoughts of how I was feeling so that I could write a post, I didn't feel like writing a post. I just sat around all day knitting my son's doggie slippers.

I walked downstairs to get something for the freezer for dinner, and saw the empty infant carseat just sitting there. I haven't had any of our other infant things bother me when I saw them before, but this one was new. It had been hiding in a bin and was recently taken out so that other things could be stored in the bin. I think I need to hide it again. Each time I see it, I think of how Julia should be sitting in it in a few weeks time to come home from the hospital, tiny, wrapped up in a cute baby outfit. I don't want to be reminded of that thought, just of the memory of her, the love I feel for her in my heart. Thinking of what could have been just ruins that.

I've been finding that if I plan to see a baby or someone pregnant, that I am okay with that. I can prepare myself. It is when things happen suddenly that I am caught unawares and associate that pregnant woman, or that infant with myself or Julia. It just happens so fast. Yesterday I picked up my son from daycare and went to the grocery store to get some supplies to cook pizza. Quick in/out trip right? Well, right from the get go all I saw were babies, babies, babies. I guess the moms are coming out more now b/c of the warmer weather upon us. My son pointed to one of the carts with the baby seats built right in and said "That's for a baby to sit in." I used to put him in those once he grew out of his infant seat but wasn't stable enough to sit in the cart. I had to fight back the tears. He should be saying "That's where the baby (our baby) is going to sit" . I MADE myself think of the things I had to buy. Later, in one of the isles in the store...there was a little girl, cute and shy, smiling behind her mom. She was my son's age, but then when mom moved I caught site of the infant seat in her cart. She had a little one. That should be ME!! I couldn't bring myself to smile at her anymore.

I think yesterday was a down day because I didn't get enough sleep. It was raining. I was alone with no plans. Tiredness lets those what if thoughts creep in way too easily. What will happen when I have to go back to work and I'm tired after staying up with Ethan for one reason or another? Will I be a mess at work? Hopefully, I will just be able to withdraw into my work, avoid people, and think towards the end of the day.

Last week my councillor talked a bit about the down days. She said that although they are still down days, they are not as bad as they used to be. This is true. Before my down days were filled with many more unhappy thoughts, tears, and saddness. Now they are up from there. I'd say my happy days from before are my sad days now. They just feel sad because my happy days truly are happy now!

I am anxious about going back to work. I will go back a week after Julia's due date. Last night I had a dream of my supervisor yelling at me because I was on google searching for something to do with pregnancy problems. I know that would never happen, but I am nervous about associating with people with those thoughts on everyone's mind, but not being able to say anything about them. I was given a good piece of advice that I think I might try. If I feel the tension, just say "Yes, it's terrible, and yes I'm still sometimes really hurt, thought I have more good days than bad." ...or something along those lines. At least from my end the tension would be gone.

Well, today is different. I woke up with goals, the sun is shining and it is supposed to be the nicest day of the week. It's not easy, all these flowing emotions. The best I can do is just go with it, and I'm looking forward to enjoying today. :)