"Firsts", Anniversaries and Memories

On the Butterfly Mommies blog, the following question has been posted for radio show #2. What were some of the 'firsts' that you encountered after your loss? How do you plan to, or how have you dealt with special anniversaries and holidays and the memory of your little one?

Julia was born Christmas Day, 2009. I had several meltdowns over the following days, but one “first”’ during that time that stands out in my mind occurred on New Years Eve. It was the first time I realized my state of mind was so low. I think the shock was starting to wear off. I could not bear to watch all the happy people on TV cheering in the New Year. I actually felt nauseous. I think I finally realized the impact Julia’s death had on me. I must have been numb those days prior, just going through the motions.

Another “first” was realizing just how many other moms there were who were going through the same thing I was. I was introduced to the blogging world through Meredith and have since made many friends and become a part of the wondrous support network of baby loss blogging moms, something I will always be thankful for.

Our first big day is Julia’s due date, coming up on April 19th. It was difficult deciding what to do, as I wanted to be close to nature, but we needed something that would be suitable for my 2 ½ year old son as well. He couldn’t very well walk a 5km nature trail with us, and what if the weather didn’t cooperate? While travelling for a family outing this weekend, it came to me. We have decided to visit Niagara Falls. There are ample trails for me to feel close to nature, I can sit atop the great Niagara river looking down, staring out at the wondrous nature around us. In case you have not realized, I feel most peaceful and free when I can look around at the simple yet intricate, and orderly yet disorganized beautiful way of nature. There is something about the peaceful disorder that relaxes me. Perhaps it is knowing that no matter how tough and disjointed life can sometimes be, I will find peace, hope, happiness and togetherness once again. Niagara Falls also has a butterfly conservatory and botanical gardens that I would love to see.

Obviously, Christmas Day will be a difficult time. I have no idea how myself, my husband or family will feel that day. Right now I am upset at the fact that Julia’s birthday will not be a special day dedicated to just remembering her. I know we could do something during a part of that day, however it is not the same. I have toyed with the idea of having April 19th as being her day, however I really don’t know how I will feel when Christmas rolls around. As far as her birthday, it is a wait and see for us, and maybe after a year of all the firsts I will have a better idea of what I want to do.

One very special thing I have purchased for myself is my charm bracelet. It is a simple white gold bracelet with two heart charms on it, one with my son’s name and one with Julia’s name. I wear it everyday in honour of Julia. I keep the memories I have of her close to my heart.