First of all, I'd like to thank everyone who visited my blog and was thinking or praying for us on Julia's due date. It means so much that I have friends out there who really understand.
So, tomorrow I go back to work. After being off these past few months, and approaching things slowly, getting plenty of sleep, and having time to get things done, I am not sure how I will face the fast pace at work mixed with added stress. I plan on trying to keep in touch with myself and to take breaks as needed. I hope I can slip back in without too many troubles. I was feeling anxious about returning for a while, but over the past couple of days I have come to terms with it. I think it helped that I talked to my supervisor on Friday and that I was able to slowly bring my mind back around to going back to a work schedule.
I have not had too much going on this past week following Julia's due date. Oh, except for the fact that I realized I had a billion and one things to do (errands and chores I was procrastinating on ) before I went back to work. I got a lot done, but there are still so many more to do...
So, now that I am returning to work, I don't know how much time I will have for my blogging, but I will certainly try to fit it in as much as I can, and to keep in touch as well as reach out to my fellow bloggers. Finding this blogging community has been such a blessing for me, and I am thankful for all of you!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
April 19th, 2010 – Julia Rose
Yesterday was a day full of emotion. Happiness, love, feeling blessed, sadness, enjoyment, contentment, feeling peaceful, anger, and bitterness. For the most part, I truly enjoyed our day yesterday, and I felt Julia’s presence with us.
We had a trip planned to Niagara Falls, and it was the perfect day. Not a cloud in the sky. It was sunny and about 15C (~60F). First off, I brought out Julia’s pictures and her things and we all looked at them. I told Ethan about Julia, and how today we were going to do some special things to remember her and honour her on her special day. We started off with some special packages to open. My dear friend Katy sent me a special gift in remembrance of Julia. When I opened it, I cried as it reminded me of my Julia. It was a beautiful globe candle holder/candle with lovely pink roses all over it. I lit it, and it looked absolutely lovely.
Thank you so much Katy, I love it!! I also received a scroll with a special poem on it from my bereavement group councillor. It was such a lovely poem and brought tears of love and remembrance.
To the Child in My Heart
Author Unknown
O precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.
We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.
I’ll always be your mother.
He’ll always be your dad.
But now you’re gone…but yet you’re here.
We’ll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy.
There’s love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong.
We’ll forget you never –
The child we had, but never had,
And yet will have forever.
In Niagara Falls we first went to the Butterfly conservatory. Near the entrance to the tropical gardens there was a sign with all the butterflies listed with their pictures. To my surprise and delight, there was a butterfly named Julia. It is a lovely orange.
Our next stop after lunch was to purchase some balloons. We purchased three pink ones, one for each of us to write a message on and to let go by the falls.
We drove down closer to the falls and parked. On our walk down to the falls we passed through some beautiful gardens. Many perennials were starting to come up and the daffodils were blooming everywhere. There was a special moment when Ethan spotted the falls and was in awe of them.
We continued down to the pathway along the falls. We had our balloons tied to the stroller, and I couldn’t have felt happier. We were all together on our family outing and we were all so happy. We stopped several times to take a look at the falls and we took several pictures. We took a break for a snack and wrote our messages to Julia on the balloons. Ethan drew a picture for Julia. 
Since it was so windy, our balloons got hopelessly tangled together and we decided to let Ethan let them all go together. 
It was such a special moment. 
I felt as though we were letting Julia go (not from our hearts but to be free to explore, make friends and to go on her own adventure – to run, jump, skip and laugh like little girls aught to). I know she will always be there, looking over us, and I will always feel her presence. It was nice watching the balloons all float up together as a “family”. I told Ethan they were going on an adventure. They floated by some birds, passed the moon and eventually went over the falls. 
We watched them float up until they were just a dot in the sky.
We headed back to our car and drove along the Niagara River for a while before heading back home. We stopped at a restaurant on the way and shared a lovely dinner together.
When we got home, I couldn’t believe that Ethan was still awake. I read him a bed time story and we talked a little about the day. He was adamant that Julia was going to come back. He just doesn’t understand death, but what can you expect? He is just 2 ½ years old. There was one special moment though, when I was telling him that Julia was “broken” (I had to simplify it so much, in trying to make him understand she was not coming back). He looked at me with determination and said “Mama, I’m going to go on my firetruck with “A” (his best friend at school) and we are going to go and get Julia and bring her back and put her back in your tummy so she can be safe and be with us.” I couldn’t help but cry. Such simplicity, such love. He said, “Mama, what are those things on your cheeks?” I told him Mommy was crying because she was sad, but that she was also really happy that he wanted to help mommy and Julia. I kissed him and hugged him, sang to him and put him to bed.
That was what I thought was the ending to a perfect day. A day dedicated to only Julia, to remembering her and honouring her.
But my husband had to call our friends (who were due near the end of April) regarding some time sensitive business stuff. As I was getting ready for bed, I heard his voice go ridgid as he said “Oh, congratulations.” My heart sank. I asked him when, and he said 5 o’clock this morning. Oh the anger, the bitterness I felt. I cried and cried. How dare this happen and ruin Julia’s day? It is one thing to have babies born around the day when Julia was born, but for our friends to have their baby on the day she was due??? I felt so bitter. I felt soooo angry that there would be this reminder, forever facing us whenever we see their baby. All the milestones, staring us right in the face. The birthday invitations on his birthday, THE FACT THAT THIS DAY WAS NOT SPECIAL JUST TO OUR JULIA ANYMORE!!!
I had to try and make myself not think of it, I had to try to remind myself to be happy, to remember our Julia…but it was so hard. I felt so deflated. We went to sleep hugging each other for comfort. I needed that closeness, that love.
We had a trip planned to Niagara Falls, and it was the perfect day. Not a cloud in the sky. It was sunny and about 15C (~60F). First off, I brought out Julia’s pictures and her things and we all looked at them. I told Ethan about Julia, and how today we were going to do some special things to remember her and honour her on her special day. We started off with some special packages to open. My dear friend Katy sent me a special gift in remembrance of Julia. When I opened it, I cried as it reminded me of my Julia. It was a beautiful globe candle holder/candle with lovely pink roses all over it. I lit it, and it looked absolutely lovely.
Thank you so much Katy, I love it!! I also received a scroll with a special poem on it from my bereavement group councillor. It was such a lovely poem and brought tears of love and remembrance.To the Child in My Heart
Author Unknown
O precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.
We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.
I’ll always be your mother.
He’ll always be your dad.
But now you’re gone…but yet you’re here.
We’ll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy.
There’s love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong.
We’ll forget you never –
The child we had, but never had,
And yet will have forever.
In Niagara Falls we first went to the Butterfly conservatory. Near the entrance to the tropical gardens there was a sign with all the butterflies listed with their pictures. To my surprise and delight, there was a butterfly named Julia. It is a lovely orange.
Inside the gardens, we all felt so peaceful and the butterflies were so uplifting, which brings me to the symbolism of a butterfly. I can’t say I ever looked it up before, but butterflies have always been something that I loved. I have jewelry, plant accents, several mugs, and home decorations that have butterflies on them. For our wedding we had centerpieces with butterflies in them. To me, butterflies meant peace, tranquility, beauty – mainly the things I feel when I see them. But today, I looked up what others symbolize them as, and I got goosebumps. Below I have listed a couple excerpts from Google searches.
There are many links with butterflies in mythology from all over the world, many of which, in particular Greek mythology, link butterflies to the human soul. The Ancient Greeks also considered butterflies as the souls of those who had passed away. In ancient Greek the word for butterfly is "Psyche", which translated means "soul".
The butterfly exists in four distinct forms. Some consider that so do we: The fertilized egg is planted in our mother's womb. From our day of birth we are like the caterpillar which can only eat and creep along. At death we are like the dormant pupa in its chrysalis. After that, our consciousness emerges from the cast off body, and some see in this the emergence of the butterfly. Therefore, the butterfly is symbolic of rebirth after death.
You see, there was a butterfly which landed on my arm at the conservatory near the beginning of our visit. It was the butterfly Julia. It was so special to me at that moment, but considering some of the symbolism above I have to wonder if Julia’s soul came to visit to bring me peace.
We all had a lovely time at the conservatory. Ethan didn’t want to leave. He was as touched with all the butterflies as were.There are many links with butterflies in mythology from all over the world, many of which, in particular Greek mythology, link butterflies to the human soul. The Ancient Greeks also considered butterflies as the souls of those who had passed away. In ancient Greek the word for butterfly is "Psyche", which translated means "soul".
The butterfly exists in four distinct forms. Some consider that so do we: The fertilized egg is planted in our mother's womb. From our day of birth we are like the caterpillar which can only eat and creep along. At death we are like the dormant pupa in its chrysalis. After that, our consciousness emerges from the cast off body, and some see in this the emergence of the butterfly. Therefore, the butterfly is symbolic of rebirth after death.
You see, there was a butterfly which landed on my arm at the conservatory near the beginning of our visit. It was the butterfly Julia. It was so special to me at that moment, but considering some of the symbolism above I have to wonder if Julia’s soul came to visit to bring me peace.
Our next stop after lunch was to purchase some balloons. We purchased three pink ones, one for each of us to write a message on and to let go by the falls.
We drove down closer to the falls and parked. On our walk down to the falls we passed through some beautiful gardens. Many perennials were starting to come up and the daffodils were blooming everywhere. There was a special moment when Ethan spotted the falls and was in awe of them.
We continued down to the pathway along the falls. We had our balloons tied to the stroller, and I couldn’t have felt happier. We were all together on our family outing and we were all so happy. We stopped several times to take a look at the falls and we took several pictures. We took a break for a snack and wrote our messages to Julia on the balloons. Ethan drew a picture for Julia. Since it was so windy, our balloons got hopelessly tangled together and we decided to let Ethan let them all go together. It was such a special moment. I felt as though we were letting Julia go (not from our hearts but to be free to explore, make friends and to go on her own adventure – to run, jump, skip and laugh like little girls aught to). I know she will always be there, looking over us, and I will always feel her presence. It was nice watching the balloons all float up together as a “family”. I told Ethan they were going on an adventure. They floated by some birds, passed the moon and eventually went over the falls. We watched them float up until they were just a dot in the sky.We headed back to our car and drove along the Niagara River for a while before heading back home. We stopped at a restaurant on the way and shared a lovely dinner together.
When we got home, I couldn’t believe that Ethan was still awake. I read him a bed time story and we talked a little about the day. He was adamant that Julia was going to come back. He just doesn’t understand death, but what can you expect? He is just 2 ½ years old. There was one special moment though, when I was telling him that Julia was “broken” (I had to simplify it so much, in trying to make him understand she was not coming back). He looked at me with determination and said “Mama, I’m going to go on my firetruck with “A” (his best friend at school) and we are going to go and get Julia and bring her back and put her back in your tummy so she can be safe and be with us.” I couldn’t help but cry. Such simplicity, such love. He said, “Mama, what are those things on your cheeks?” I told him Mommy was crying because she was sad, but that she was also really happy that he wanted to help mommy and Julia. I kissed him and hugged him, sang to him and put him to bed.
That was what I thought was the ending to a perfect day. A day dedicated to only Julia, to remembering her and honouring her.
But my husband had to call our friends (who were due near the end of April) regarding some time sensitive business stuff. As I was getting ready for bed, I heard his voice go ridgid as he said “Oh, congratulations.” My heart sank. I asked him when, and he said 5 o’clock this morning. Oh the anger, the bitterness I felt. I cried and cried. How dare this happen and ruin Julia’s day? It is one thing to have babies born around the day when Julia was born, but for our friends to have their baby on the day she was due??? I felt so bitter. I felt soooo angry that there would be this reminder, forever facing us whenever we see their baby. All the milestones, staring us right in the face. The birthday invitations on his birthday, THE FACT THAT THIS DAY WAS NOT SPECIAL JUST TO OUR JULIA ANYMORE!!!
I had to try and make myself not think of it, I had to try to remind myself to be happy, to remember our Julia…but it was so hard. I felt so deflated. We went to sleep hugging each other for comfort. I needed that closeness, that love.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Heavy heart
My heart is heavy. Last night I was looking at Julia's pictures and remembering how it felt to kiss her on her face. Her skin was so soft and fragile. Her blankets and clothers still smell like her. It has been a while since I have cried while looking at her pictures. But last night it all came out. I couldn't stop. I miss her so much. She should be in my arms any day right now. I should be able to kiss her forever, to see her grow up, to hear her laugh. But all I have are pictures and memories.
It seems even Ethan is sensing something. He asked me again today where Julia was.
All week I have been anticipating Julia's due date. I have not felt motivated to do anything. It is like I am climbing a mountain and am almost near the top, the most steepest part. I truly hope that when I get to the top the ride down will be easier, like an emotional release. The anticipation is what is so difficult for me, but I don't even know what I am anticipating. Does that make sense?
Tomorrow is Julia's due date. I am looking forward to spending the day remembering her and honouring her. I want it to be special, and for my son, husband and I to be together.
Thank you to all of you who will be remembering her with us.
It seems even Ethan is sensing something. He asked me again today where Julia was.
All week I have been anticipating Julia's due date. I have not felt motivated to do anything. It is like I am climbing a mountain and am almost near the top, the most steepest part. I truly hope that when I get to the top the ride down will be easier, like an emotional release. The anticipation is what is so difficult for me, but I don't even know what I am anticipating. Does that make sense?
Tomorrow is Julia's due date. I am looking forward to spending the day remembering her and honouring her. I want it to be special, and for my son, husband and I to be together.
Thank you to all of you who will be remembering her with us.
A special bonding moment...
Yesterday I was at a cake course for making gum paste flowers. There were about 10 women taking this course, and of course, one of them was pregnant. So what do you think the conversation consisted of? Kid talk. A few of the other women also had young kids and the conversation kept on coming back to that. Usually I would have taken part in the conversation, but for some reason yesterday I didn't feel like it. I just sat there silent in my thoughts. I think I was afraid that I would be asked "How many?". I didn't feel like going there, especially when I was stuck in the room for 4 hours with them.
About half way through the class the girl next to me asked "Do you have any kids?" I paused, then answered "Yes." I was quiet for a minute or two then asked her "Do you?" She said "No. I was wondering if I was the only one who felt out of the loop with all this kid conversation going on." She asked "How many do you have?" Again, another pause from me. "Two. But one of them died." I felt compelled to go on. "She was born too early on Christmas Day. She was supposed to be due this Monday. I should be out to here right now." I don't remember what she said in response. Maybe nothing. But I was surprised at what she confided in me next. I could tell she didn't tell a lot of people, she was flushed and her voice was low. "My husband and I have been trying for a few years now with IVF, but we haven't got pregnant." I felt such empathy for her. All I could do was look at her and say "I'm so sorry." I felt like I had bonded with her on some level. I am also very glad that out of all the women in the class I sat next to her. Together we gave each other some comfort amidst all that kid talk. We were not so isolated in our thoughts after that.
About half way through the class the girl next to me asked "Do you have any kids?" I paused, then answered "Yes." I was quiet for a minute or two then asked her "Do you?" She said "No. I was wondering if I was the only one who felt out of the loop with all this kid conversation going on." She asked "How many do you have?" Again, another pause from me. "Two. But one of them died." I felt compelled to go on. "She was born too early on Christmas Day. She was supposed to be due this Monday. I should be out to here right now." I don't remember what she said in response. Maybe nothing. But I was surprised at what she confided in me next. I could tell she didn't tell a lot of people, she was flushed and her voice was low. "My husband and I have been trying for a few years now with IVF, but we haven't got pregnant." I felt such empathy for her. All I could do was look at her and say "I'm so sorry." I felt like I had bonded with her on some level. I am also very glad that out of all the women in the class I sat next to her. Together we gave each other some comfort amidst all that kid talk. We were not so isolated in our thoughts after that.
Monday, April 12, 2010
"Firsts", Anniversaries and Memories
On the Butterfly Mommies blog, the following question has been posted for radio show #2. What were some of the 'firsts' that you encountered after your loss? How do you plan to, or how have you dealt with special anniversaries and holidays and the memory of your little one?
Julia was born Christmas Day, 2009. I had several meltdowns over the following days, but one “first”’ during that time that stands out in my mind occurred on New Years Eve. It was the first time I realized my state of mind was so low. I think the shock was starting to wear off. I could not bear to watch all the happy people on TV cheering in the New Year. I actually felt nauseous. I think I finally realized the impact Julia’s death had on me. I must have been numb those days prior, just going through the motions.
Another “first” was realizing just how many other moms there were who were going through the same thing I was. I was introduced to the blogging world through Meredith and have since made many friends and become a part of the wondrous support network of baby loss blogging moms, something I will always be thankful for.
Our first big day is Julia’s due date, coming up on April 19th. It was difficult deciding what to do, as I wanted to be close to nature, but we needed something that would be suitable for my 2 ½ year old son as well. He couldn’t very well walk a 5km nature trail with us, and what if the weather didn’t cooperate? While travelling for a family outing this weekend, it came to me. We have decided to visit Niagara Falls. There are ample trails for me to feel close to nature, I can sit atop the great Niagara river looking down, staring out at the wondrous nature around us. In case you have not realized, I feel most peaceful and free when I can look around at the simple yet intricate, and orderly yet disorganized beautiful way of nature. There is something about the peaceful disorder that relaxes me. Perhaps it is knowing that no matter how tough and disjointed life can sometimes be, I will find peace, hope, happiness and togetherness once again. Niagara Falls also has a butterfly conservatory and botanical gardens that I would love to see.
Obviously, Christmas Day will be a difficult time. I have no idea how myself, my husband or family will feel that day. Right now I am upset at the fact that Julia’s birthday will not be a special day dedicated to just remembering her. I know we could do something during a part of that day, however it is not the same. I have toyed with the idea of having April 19th as being her day, however I really don’t know how I will feel when Christmas rolls around. As far as her birthday, it is a wait and see for us, and maybe after a year of all the firsts I will have a better idea of what I want to do.
One very special thing I have purchased for myself is my charm bracelet. It is a simple white gold bracelet with two heart charms on it, one with my son’s name and one with Julia’s name. I wear it everyday in honour of Julia. I keep the memories I have of her close to my heart.
Julia was born Christmas Day, 2009. I had several meltdowns over the following days, but one “first”’ during that time that stands out in my mind occurred on New Years Eve. It was the first time I realized my state of mind was so low. I think the shock was starting to wear off. I could not bear to watch all the happy people on TV cheering in the New Year. I actually felt nauseous. I think I finally realized the impact Julia’s death had on me. I must have been numb those days prior, just going through the motions.
Another “first” was realizing just how many other moms there were who were going through the same thing I was. I was introduced to the blogging world through Meredith and have since made many friends and become a part of the wondrous support network of baby loss blogging moms, something I will always be thankful for.
Our first big day is Julia’s due date, coming up on April 19th. It was difficult deciding what to do, as I wanted to be close to nature, but we needed something that would be suitable for my 2 ½ year old son as well. He couldn’t very well walk a 5km nature trail with us, and what if the weather didn’t cooperate? While travelling for a family outing this weekend, it came to me. We have decided to visit Niagara Falls. There are ample trails for me to feel close to nature, I can sit atop the great Niagara river looking down, staring out at the wondrous nature around us. In case you have not realized, I feel most peaceful and free when I can look around at the simple yet intricate, and orderly yet disorganized beautiful way of nature. There is something about the peaceful disorder that relaxes me. Perhaps it is knowing that no matter how tough and disjointed life can sometimes be, I will find peace, hope, happiness and togetherness once again. Niagara Falls also has a butterfly conservatory and botanical gardens that I would love to see.
Obviously, Christmas Day will be a difficult time. I have no idea how myself, my husband or family will feel that day. Right now I am upset at the fact that Julia’s birthday will not be a special day dedicated to just remembering her. I know we could do something during a part of that day, however it is not the same. I have toyed with the idea of having April 19th as being her day, however I really don’t know how I will feel when Christmas rolls around. As far as her birthday, it is a wait and see for us, and maybe after a year of all the firsts I will have a better idea of what I want to do.
One very special thing I have purchased for myself is my charm bracelet. It is a simple white gold bracelet with two heart charms on it, one with my son’s name and one with Julia’s name. I wear it everyday in honour of Julia. I keep the memories I have of her close to my heart.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Words to live by
Enjoy each moment, each day is precious.
I was at my Grandmas 90th Birthday party today. It was nice to see all my cousins, aunts and uncles, great aunts and great uncles. It was nice that they were not afraid to ask me how I was doing. They did not pull away from the conversation when I spoke of Julia. I had a wonderful time. I was doing well. Until I heard that line:
Enjoy each moment, each day is precious.
I had tears in my eyes. My cousin said it as she was talking to my Grandma. I know she was thinking of the precious time we will all have left as we grow older, but I was thinking of the precious time I had with Julia, how she didn’t have that chance to grow older. How I wish I could have spent more of that precious time with her, if only she was with us still.
Enjoy each moment, each day is precious.
I started thinking of my lovely Grandma and of all the great friends and family she has. I remember how she had a sign on the wall that she and my Grandpa made. It was about laughing each day, and they had it up to remind themselves of how blessed they were, and to laugh because laughter can be so healing in trying times.
Since Julia died, I have come to realize how precious our time here on earth is, how precious my family is, how much each of my friends mean to me. I plan to enjoy each moment I have with them. Life is precious, each day is precious. I have to live life looking forward, not back. I can’t lose sight of hope. I have to have faith that I will believe my life is rich no matter what cards I am dealt, because of all the great people I have around me, because of all the great memories I have from those whom have passed.
When we all grow old, we will have gone though all sorts of difficult, heart wrenching experiences. Think of those who have already grown old, they still smile despite their trying times. They have learned to enjoy each moment, they know that each day is precious.
I am glad that I have learned this, really understood this, while I am still young. What an incredible gift Julia has given me.
I love you Julia Rose with all my heart. Love, Mommy
I was at my Grandmas 90th Birthday party today. It was nice to see all my cousins, aunts and uncles, great aunts and great uncles. It was nice that they were not afraid to ask me how I was doing. They did not pull away from the conversation when I spoke of Julia. I had a wonderful time. I was doing well. Until I heard that line:
Enjoy each moment, each day is precious.
I had tears in my eyes. My cousin said it as she was talking to my Grandma. I know she was thinking of the precious time we will all have left as we grow older, but I was thinking of the precious time I had with Julia, how she didn’t have that chance to grow older. How I wish I could have spent more of that precious time with her, if only she was with us still.
Enjoy each moment, each day is precious.
I started thinking of my lovely Grandma and of all the great friends and family she has. I remember how she had a sign on the wall that she and my Grandpa made. It was about laughing each day, and they had it up to remind themselves of how blessed they were, and to laugh because laughter can be so healing in trying times.
Since Julia died, I have come to realize how precious our time here on earth is, how precious my family is, how much each of my friends mean to me. I plan to enjoy each moment I have with them. Life is precious, each day is precious. I have to live life looking forward, not back. I can’t lose sight of hope. I have to have faith that I will believe my life is rich no matter what cards I am dealt, because of all the great people I have around me, because of all the great memories I have from those whom have passed.
When we all grow old, we will have gone though all sorts of difficult, heart wrenching experiences. Think of those who have already grown old, they still smile despite their trying times. They have learned to enjoy each moment, they know that each day is precious.
I am glad that I have learned this, really understood this, while I am still young. What an incredible gift Julia has given me.
I love you Julia Rose with all my heart. Love, Mommy
Monday, April 5, 2010
2 Weeks
Last night and this morning I have been missing Julia terribly. It is two weeks until her due date, a date which we should have been looking forward to.
I should be shopping at Mom-to-Mom sales for little girl clothes right now, off of work because of discomfort and tiredness, eagerly awaiting the arrival of my beautiful girl. Instead, I am off on mat leave because Julia was not able to live in my belly any longer and died.
I have been having flashbacks to the day she was born, remembering how it felt to kiss her tiny face. Looking at her pictures, wondering how she would have looked if gone full term. I smelled her blanket, and it still smells just like her from when I was holding her in my arms all those months ago. I remember how I felt when they broke my water to induce the labour...helpless, a life about to be stripped from my belly. I remember how I felt when everyone was gone and it was just Julia and I, how I talked to her, held her, kissed her and just cried. How I wished that I could breathe life back into her. I remember the jolt I felt when I looked at her and suddenly realized that her soul had gone, that she had left her body and was going to a better place. I remember that emptiness back in my hospital room, the cessation of movement in my belly, the feeling of being alone, suddenly and without choice.
I still feel her soul with me, see her life in all the beauty of spring arriving all around me. But she is gone. It seems as though an eternity has passed since she was born and died. I have gone through so much emotionally and intellectually. I will never be the same.
And to think that I just feel like sitting and doing nothing today...
I should be shopping at Mom-to-Mom sales for little girl clothes right now, off of work because of discomfort and tiredness, eagerly awaiting the arrival of my beautiful girl. Instead, I am off on mat leave because Julia was not able to live in my belly any longer and died.
I have been having flashbacks to the day she was born, remembering how it felt to kiss her tiny face. Looking at her pictures, wondering how she would have looked if gone full term. I smelled her blanket, and it still smells just like her from when I was holding her in my arms all those months ago. I remember how I felt when they broke my water to induce the labour...helpless, a life about to be stripped from my belly. I remember how I felt when everyone was gone and it was just Julia and I, how I talked to her, held her, kissed her and just cried. How I wished that I could breathe life back into her. I remember the jolt I felt when I looked at her and suddenly realized that her soul had gone, that she had left her body and was going to a better place. I remember that emptiness back in my hospital room, the cessation of movement in my belly, the feeling of being alone, suddenly and without choice.
I still feel her soul with me, see her life in all the beauty of spring arriving all around me. But she is gone. It seems as though an eternity has passed since she was born and died. I have gone through so much emotionally and intellectually. I will never be the same.
And to think that I just feel like sitting and doing nothing today...
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Yesterday...
Yesterday was one of those days. I woke up with the feeling of saddness, I felt the weight of nothingness on my shoulders. I had nothing to do, couldn't motivate myself to do anything. I couldn't even bring to words or thoughts of how I was feeling so that I could write a post, I didn't feel like writing a post. I just sat around all day knitting my son's doggie slippers.
I walked downstairs to get something for the freezer for dinner, and saw the empty infant carseat just sitting there. I haven't had any of our other infant things bother me when I saw them before, but this one was new. It had been hiding in a bin and was recently taken out so that other things could be stored in the bin. I think I need to hide it again. Each time I see it, I think of how Julia should be sitting in it in a few weeks time to come home from the hospital, tiny, wrapped up in a cute baby outfit. I don't want to be reminded of that thought, just of the memory of her, the love I feel for her in my heart. Thinking of what could have been just ruins that.
I've been finding that if I plan to see a baby or someone pregnant, that I am okay with that. I can prepare myself. It is when things happen suddenly that I am caught unawares and associate that pregnant woman, or that infant with myself or Julia. It just happens so fast. Yesterday I picked up my son from daycare and went to the grocery store to get some supplies to cook pizza. Quick in/out trip right? Well, right from the get go all I saw were babies, babies, babies. I guess the moms are coming out more now b/c of the warmer weather upon us. My son pointed to one of the carts with the baby seats built right in and said "That's for a baby to sit in." I used to put him in those once he grew out of his infant seat but wasn't stable enough to sit in the cart. I had to fight back the tears. He should be saying "That's where the baby (our baby) is going to sit" . I MADE myself think of the things I had to buy. Later, in one of the isles in the store...there was a little girl, cute and shy, smiling behind her mom. She was my son's age, but then when mom moved I caught site of the infant seat in her cart. She had a little one. That should be ME!! I couldn't bring myself to smile at her anymore.
I think yesterday was a down day because I didn't get enough sleep. It was raining. I was alone with no plans. Tiredness lets those what if thoughts creep in way too easily. What will happen when I have to go back to work and I'm tired after staying up with Ethan for one reason or another? Will I be a mess at work? Hopefully, I will just be able to withdraw into my work, avoid people, and think towards the end of the day.
Last week my councillor talked a bit about the down days. She said that although they are still down days, they are not as bad as they used to be. This is true. Before my down days were filled with many more unhappy thoughts, tears, and saddness. Now they are up from there. I'd say my happy days from before are my sad days now. They just feel sad because my happy days truly are happy now!
I am anxious about going back to work. I will go back a week after Julia's due date. Last night I had a dream of my supervisor yelling at me because I was on google searching for something to do with pregnancy problems. I know that would never happen, but I am nervous about associating with people with those thoughts on everyone's mind, but not being able to say anything about them. I was given a good piece of advice that I think I might try. If I feel the tension, just say "Yes, it's terrible, and yes I'm still sometimes really hurt, thought I have more good days than bad." ...or something along those lines. At least from my end the tension would be gone.
Well, today is different. I woke up with goals, the sun is shining and it is supposed to be the nicest day of the week. It's not easy, all these flowing emotions. The best I can do is just go with it, and I'm looking forward to enjoying today. :)
I walked downstairs to get something for the freezer for dinner, and saw the empty infant carseat just sitting there. I haven't had any of our other infant things bother me when I saw them before, but this one was new. It had been hiding in a bin and was recently taken out so that other things could be stored in the bin. I think I need to hide it again. Each time I see it, I think of how Julia should be sitting in it in a few weeks time to come home from the hospital, tiny, wrapped up in a cute baby outfit. I don't want to be reminded of that thought, just of the memory of her, the love I feel for her in my heart. Thinking of what could have been just ruins that.
I've been finding that if I plan to see a baby or someone pregnant, that I am okay with that. I can prepare myself. It is when things happen suddenly that I am caught unawares and associate that pregnant woman, or that infant with myself or Julia. It just happens so fast. Yesterday I picked up my son from daycare and went to the grocery store to get some supplies to cook pizza. Quick in/out trip right? Well, right from the get go all I saw were babies, babies, babies. I guess the moms are coming out more now b/c of the warmer weather upon us. My son pointed to one of the carts with the baby seats built right in and said "That's for a baby to sit in." I used to put him in those once he grew out of his infant seat but wasn't stable enough to sit in the cart. I had to fight back the tears. He should be saying "That's where the baby (our baby) is going to sit" . I MADE myself think of the things I had to buy. Later, in one of the isles in the store...there was a little girl, cute and shy, smiling behind her mom. She was my son's age, but then when mom moved I caught site of the infant seat in her cart. She had a little one. That should be ME!! I couldn't bring myself to smile at her anymore.
I think yesterday was a down day because I didn't get enough sleep. It was raining. I was alone with no plans. Tiredness lets those what if thoughts creep in way too easily. What will happen when I have to go back to work and I'm tired after staying up with Ethan for one reason or another? Will I be a mess at work? Hopefully, I will just be able to withdraw into my work, avoid people, and think towards the end of the day.
Last week my councillor talked a bit about the down days. She said that although they are still down days, they are not as bad as they used to be. This is true. Before my down days were filled with many more unhappy thoughts, tears, and saddness. Now they are up from there. I'd say my happy days from before are my sad days now. They just feel sad because my happy days truly are happy now!
I am anxious about going back to work. I will go back a week after Julia's due date. Last night I had a dream of my supervisor yelling at me because I was on google searching for something to do with pregnancy problems. I know that would never happen, but I am nervous about associating with people with those thoughts on everyone's mind, but not being able to say anything about them. I was given a good piece of advice that I think I might try. If I feel the tension, just say "Yes, it's terrible, and yes I'm still sometimes really hurt, thought I have more good days than bad." ...or something along those lines. At least from my end the tension would be gone.
Well, today is different. I woke up with goals, the sun is shining and it is supposed to be the nicest day of the week. It's not easy, all these flowing emotions. The best I can do is just go with it, and I'm looking forward to enjoying today. :)
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Hope
Today I have been watching "The Sound of Music". I don't know why, but I found myself with a sudden urge to watch it. (I found myself tearing up during it - this never happened before!!) There is one line from it that reminded me of my grandparents. It is a saying they had hung on their wall, and I noticed it everytime I went to visit.
Whenever God closes a door, he ALWAYS opens a window.
Obviously, this message is one of hope, amongst other things. It gives me hope. It made me realize that my hope (although buried) is slowly coming back to the surface. I thought I had fogotten how to hope, but today it glimmered a bit under that piece of earth and I will start to uncover it.
I think an angel was whispering in my ear today, and I listened. Hope is on the horizon.
Whenever God closes a door, he ALWAYS opens a window.
Obviously, this message is one of hope, amongst other things. It gives me hope. It made me realize that my hope (although buried) is slowly coming back to the surface. I thought I had fogotten how to hope, but today it glimmered a bit under that piece of earth and I will start to uncover it.
I think an angel was whispering in my ear today, and I listened. Hope is on the horizon.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Rambling thoughts and questions to myself...
Today I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself.
Missing being pregnant with Julia. She would have been with us in about 4 weeks if gone full term.
Wondering what if we had made a different decision back on that fateful day?
If we had, and she survived, what quality of life would Julia have had?
If we had, would I have died?
If we had and she was born via C, would I have been able to conceive again with the complications that may have arisen?
Will I be able to conceive and enjoy being pregnant again, will I have another abruption?
I feel sad that we don’t have two little ones at home, sad that there are such terrible things that touch all of our lives.
Sad that we have to know such pain and grief, sad that we can’t be naïve anymore.
But where would naivety get me? It didn’t allow me to really appreciate life to its fullness, to understand what so many others are faced with each day. It is like what another father said: “I feel as though I have joined the human family.”
But did I have to learn of such things by way of losing my baby?
I never thought that it would be us.
Missing being pregnant with Julia. She would have been with us in about 4 weeks if gone full term.
Wondering what if we had made a different decision back on that fateful day?
If we had, and she survived, what quality of life would Julia have had?
If we had, would I have died?
If we had and she was born via C, would I have been able to conceive again with the complications that may have arisen?
Will I be able to conceive and enjoy being pregnant again, will I have another abruption?
I feel sad that we don’t have two little ones at home, sad that there are such terrible things that touch all of our lives.
Sad that we have to know such pain and grief, sad that we can’t be naïve anymore.
But where would naivety get me? It didn’t allow me to really appreciate life to its fullness, to understand what so many others are faced with each day. It is like what another father said: “I feel as though I have joined the human family.”
But did I have to learn of such things by way of losing my baby?
I never thought that it would be us.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Bitterness
For the last few days I have felt something trying to push it's way to the forefront of my mind. I know it is because Julia's due date is approaching. It is in 6 weeks today. I have been trying to be happy for the other women having babies in April, but it stings when I see them getting ready to have a new baby at home and I think "Well, that won't be me." I see women with lovely bellies shopping at the baby stores and I imagine myself telling them "Don't be too sure of a happy outcome, your baby could die." How morbid and awful is that? I have to look the other way. I am so bitter that Julia is still not growing in my belly and so bitter that I may not easily have another baby, bitter that my chance of having a live daughter was torn from me. I just want to sit here and feel sorry for myself and not do a thing. I miss her so much...
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Story of an angel
I recently told this story to one of my friends, and thought that I would like to share it with all of you too. Our baby angels are with our loved ones in the spirit world. It makes me so happy to think of Julia being with them.
Several years ago, my Grandma and Grandpa told me a story about when they saw an angel. When my grandpa was 60 he had to go into the hospital for triple bypass surgery. Back then, I imagine it was even a bigger deal than it is today. This was about 30 years ago. (My grandma is turning 90 on April 10th). When they received notice that he was going to have surgery the following day they sat on his bed that night and prayed. A young chaplain from the hospital came by. He was dressed in a brown suit and asked if they would like him to pray with them. They gratefully accepted. The nurse came and went, checking on my grandpa's vitals etc. The next morning, the surgery was cancelled because the air conditioning broke. They rescheduled for the following day. Again that night the three of them sat and prayed. The next day, the surgery was cancelled again for another reason. This same thing happened for one more night. Finally, on the fourth day my grandpa went in for surgery and it was a success. He made a very speedy recovery and was able to go home quickly. When they came back for their follow-up appt they stopped into the chaplain's office to thank the young man for praying with them. An older man was there. He said that there was not a young chaplain at that hospital. My grandparents were confused. Well, perhaps it had been a visitor from one of the neighboring rooms. They went to ask the nurse who it may have been so they could write him a thank you note. When they asked the nurse, she had no idea of what they were talking about. She said that she had never seen a young man in a brown suit in their room praying with them. They were confused. Then they saw the light. You see, it was an angel that was praying with my grandparents. My grandpa went on to live a relatively healthy life. He died in 2003 on his birthday at the age of 87. In that time on earth he touched so many people's lives. He donated money to so many organizations, helped people on the street, made my grandmother laugh, picked strawberries, made very creative pancakes, loved each of his grandchildren very much, cried when he was sad to see us go home after a visit. He was so loving and thankful for his life.
A while after he died I had a very vivid dream about him. I know he came to visit me to tell me he was okay. I was walking up a driveway to a house with lots of flowers. My grandpa loved to help garden and bake. In the back, he was laying on a lawn chair. As I approached he got up and gave me a big hug. It felt so wonderful. I woke up and was crying tears of happiness. I knew he was in a good place watching over me. I know that Julia is there with him, with my Babcia and Dziadzia too. They must be so happy to have her there with them, to hear her laughter and to watch over all of us. I truly believe that our loved ones spirits don't leave us, they are with us forever and when we die, we will be reunited with them and continue to watch over our family.
I hope this story helped to lift your spirits. All of your babies are there too, with all your family in spirit, watching over you. They smile when you smile, laugh when you laugh, sing when you sing. Isn't it nice to know you have such loving people watching over you?
Several years ago, my Grandma and Grandpa told me a story about when they saw an angel. When my grandpa was 60 he had to go into the hospital for triple bypass surgery. Back then, I imagine it was even a bigger deal than it is today. This was about 30 years ago. (My grandma is turning 90 on April 10th). When they received notice that he was going to have surgery the following day they sat on his bed that night and prayed. A young chaplain from the hospital came by. He was dressed in a brown suit and asked if they would like him to pray with them. They gratefully accepted. The nurse came and went, checking on my grandpa's vitals etc. The next morning, the surgery was cancelled because the air conditioning broke. They rescheduled for the following day. Again that night the three of them sat and prayed. The next day, the surgery was cancelled again for another reason. This same thing happened for one more night. Finally, on the fourth day my grandpa went in for surgery and it was a success. He made a very speedy recovery and was able to go home quickly. When they came back for their follow-up appt they stopped into the chaplain's office to thank the young man for praying with them. An older man was there. He said that there was not a young chaplain at that hospital. My grandparents were confused. Well, perhaps it had been a visitor from one of the neighboring rooms. They went to ask the nurse who it may have been so they could write him a thank you note. When they asked the nurse, she had no idea of what they were talking about. She said that she had never seen a young man in a brown suit in their room praying with them. They were confused. Then they saw the light. You see, it was an angel that was praying with my grandparents. My grandpa went on to live a relatively healthy life. He died in 2003 on his birthday at the age of 87. In that time on earth he touched so many people's lives. He donated money to so many organizations, helped people on the street, made my grandmother laugh, picked strawberries, made very creative pancakes, loved each of his grandchildren very much, cried when he was sad to see us go home after a visit. He was so loving and thankful for his life.
A while after he died I had a very vivid dream about him. I know he came to visit me to tell me he was okay. I was walking up a driveway to a house with lots of flowers. My grandpa loved to help garden and bake. In the back, he was laying on a lawn chair. As I approached he got up and gave me a big hug. It felt so wonderful. I woke up and was crying tears of happiness. I knew he was in a good place watching over me. I know that Julia is there with him, with my Babcia and Dziadzia too. They must be so happy to have her there with them, to hear her laughter and to watch over all of us. I truly believe that our loved ones spirits don't leave us, they are with us forever and when we die, we will be reunited with them and continue to watch over our family.
I hope this story helped to lift your spirits. All of your babies are there too, with all your family in spirit, watching over you. They smile when you smile, laugh when you laugh, sing when you sing. Isn't it nice to know you have such loving people watching over you?
Snowpeople, blessings and hearts
It finally snowed some packing snow here. I had the opportunity to go out and make a snowman family with my son Ethan. It was something that I knew I had wanted to do prior to winter coming. I thought that I was going to miss out on it though, ever since I was on bedrest with Julia. It was bittersweet. Ethan finally made his first snowman family with mom, but I only got to do it because Julia was born too early. Sigh... 
I received a very special gift from Katy over at In Hannah's Honour. It is a blessing ring. My first blessing that I have put up on it is a card from Katy. I am so blessed to have her as my friend! Thank you Katy!
I finally got my heart charm bracelet. There are two hearts on it, one with Ethan's name and one with Julia's name. I absolutely love it, and now I feel like I have Julia with me everywhere I go. :)
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Seeing butterflies
I came across this entry in a meditations book that I have. I thought of how much it embodied the way I was feeling right now. I still occasionally find it difficult to admit that I am having a good day because I feel like I am forgetting about grieving (the sad, lonely, angry parts) for Julia, when in fact I find that I am thinking of her (still sad she is not here) but now I am able to think of all the wonderful lives she has touched with her short presence her on earth. I find myself smiling more often even though I still terribly wish she was with me here in my arms.
They seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if they had surprised a butterfly in the winter woods. - Edith Wharton
It comes to us as a revelation at first - an astonishment - almost an occasion of guilt. We can be happy!
Maybe we thought it would not happen, that our life would be forever coloured with pain, that no moment would be free if it.
There is a way in which we are right: no moment is ever free of the life history that has preceded it. And we don't want that. One of the things we sometimes fear - needlessly - is that, having lost the loved one, we will lose the memory of the loved one as well. That will not happen.
But we will lose, or be released from, the overhanging cloud of gloom which for a while may seem our daily portion. Part of that is up to us. We can decide not to be happy again. It may take a lot of work - never to be happy again - but we can do it if we want to.
How much better - and how much more a tribute to the one we have lost - to walk out from under our cloud, so that when we come upon a butterfly in the winter woods, we will be able to see it!
Gloom has no value of itself. It's fine to be happy.
They seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if they had surprised a butterfly in the winter woods. - Edith Wharton
It comes to us as a revelation at first - an astonishment - almost an occasion of guilt. We can be happy!
Maybe we thought it would not happen, that our life would be forever coloured with pain, that no moment would be free if it.
There is a way in which we are right: no moment is ever free of the life history that has preceded it. And we don't want that. One of the things we sometimes fear - needlessly - is that, having lost the loved one, we will lose the memory of the loved one as well. That will not happen.
But we will lose, or be released from, the overhanging cloud of gloom which for a while may seem our daily portion. Part of that is up to us. We can decide not to be happy again. It may take a lot of work - never to be happy again - but we can do it if we want to.
How much better - and how much more a tribute to the one we have lost - to walk out from under our cloud, so that when we come upon a butterfly in the winter woods, we will be able to see it!
Gloom has no value of itself. It's fine to be happy.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Happy moments
So, I've been out of town for a few days going downhill skiing with my husband. We absolutely wore ourselves out, but it was so nice to get away. I know that he and I both needed it. Right before I left I felt sad that I was leaving Julia's things at home, I felt like I wanted her near me. I took a few moments to say goodbye. At first I was thinking that I needed to leave her things at home because I didn't want to lose any of it, but now I think that perhaps it was good for me to have a break from my grief, from the memories and just have a good time. I never thought that I would have been able to do that before, go for a few days without really thinking of Julia and be HAPPY. In the past I didn't like to see people laughing, it made me feel ill, but now I am laughing again and it felt so good to feel that way again. I don't feel guilty, I know Julia was with us, her spirit will always be in my heart and in our memories.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
A big fat nothing
Today I had my long awaited appointment with my specialist to find out, if any reason, why I had the placental abruption. Blood clotting disorder? No. Chromosomal abnormalities? No. Fibroids? No. Infection? No. Placental scarring? No. Only thing is, if I get pregnant again, I am considered high risk from the onset with a 15% chance that I will have another placental abruption. Thankfully they will be monitoring me from the beginning and hopefully I will have no unexpected surprises.
I was prepared to hear that there was no reason. All along, I have heard of others that were told all their results were negative too and the fact is, there are so many things that the doctors don’t know. I don’t feel too badly about it, after all, if there was something like a blood clotting disorder, I would have to treat it the rest of my life, or if there was scarring on the placenta they may have had to do more tests, and if I had fibroids I may have had to get them removed. It’s kind of nice not having to do anything and feeling safe and healthy after everything that happened. I have come to accept that Julia is gone and am very saddened by it, but a part of healing is being able to move on even if you don’t have a reason for why something happened. It is like an accident happening out of the blue, there is no reason why it was your friend or your relative that it happened to, it just did, and you have to accept it and live the new life you now have. It is not easy, but what about life is easy? We all have our challenges. Sigh...
I was prepared to hear that there was no reason. All along, I have heard of others that were told all their results were negative too and the fact is, there are so many things that the doctors don’t know. I don’t feel too badly about it, after all, if there was something like a blood clotting disorder, I would have to treat it the rest of my life, or if there was scarring on the placenta they may have had to do more tests, and if I had fibroids I may have had to get them removed. It’s kind of nice not having to do anything and feeling safe and healthy after everything that happened. I have come to accept that Julia is gone and am very saddened by it, but a part of healing is being able to move on even if you don’t have a reason for why something happened. It is like an accident happening out of the blue, there is no reason why it was your friend or your relative that it happened to, it just did, and you have to accept it and live the new life you now have. It is not easy, but what about life is easy? We all have our challenges. Sigh...
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Growing through grieving
I have been reading this book about making your way through grief and transcending yourself to a new being after having gone through the experience. It is called "The Gift of Grief, Finding peace, transformation, and renewed life after great sorrow." by Matthew D. Gewirtz. The author is a rabbi from Short Hills, New Jersey. One of the main things he talks about is being stripped down to your core, losing almost all of your spirit and psyche. While in this state, one is able to connect with oneself (your soul) on a deeper level and to come out of grief with a new normal. While grieving you strip yourself down emotionally, feel the rawness and in the end you can come out of it a better person both emotionally and spiritually. This is achieved by allowing yourself to feel the pain, to be open, and being truthful with yourself. You find yourself wanting to associate with others who are genuine and not superficial. You will find more happiness and joy in the people around you.
I have read that when you are grieving, all past experiences of loss of any sort that were not properly dealt with come back. I am starting to realize that I am dealing with this very thing, and it was not grieving the death of someone loved. It was being emotionally stripped down while I was in elementary school, being teased in front of all my pears, made fun of, talked of behind people’s backs. I felt so alone and scared and I think instinctively I knew at that time that I needed to be with people who were genuine, but not realizing it outwardly. I had to be with people who could understand and feel the same pain I did. I had a girlfriend that was this person to me, but alas, she has gotten lost along the way, I feel like she isn't in touch with her needs and is building the wrong future for herself. Anyways, she and I drifted apart and as she got more friends in high school she became less genuine and in some cases deceiving. During my school years I saw the pain in others who experienced the same as I did and I wanted to reach out to help them, to make them feel better. Occasionally this has backfired on me. Once those I helped felt better again, they went back to being the same superficial people as before. Oh the pain and failure I felt at making friends...all because I wanted a genuine girlfriend who was not afraid of being herself.
I have always been one to talk about personal, meaningful, things; I was never good at small talk. I have never had a problem with bearing my soul to others whom I trusted, I feel that being open is the only way I know how to communicate with my friends. I think it may have made some people uncomfortable, not wanting to do the same in return.
I have one dear girlfriend who unfortunately lives a couple hours from me. She is so very genuine. I always felt such a connection with her, even after being apart for months we would still have those amazing chats as if we had just talked yesterday. She has had her fair share of difficulties during her life which I think has made her to be the loving, caring, genuine person that she is. During my grieving process she is the one who I know has felt what I feel - each one of her emails has made me cry because I felt such compassion and understanding from her. I feel like going through my grief for Julia has in turn enabled me to understand the process how she became the person she has. I believe that I was always a genuine person, but I believe too that there is always more that I could do to become even more caring, less materialistic, and to see inside people, not just what their outward appearance is.
Looking at my relationship with my husband with this new realization about the process of grieving, helps me to deeper understand a part of the connection we feel. He too was ridiculed in elementary school and was alone. He too had to suffer the hardships of teasing and being stripped of a childhood of happiness and naivety. I believe because of this he is such a smart, loving and genuine man and I love him so much. Certainly this is not the only basis of our relationship, but I feel closer to him understanding more deeply the emotional connection and state of being we share having been down a similar road in our childhood. I understand why our experiences made us the people we are today.
Being in this grieving state of feeling pain, hurt, regret, anger, sadness, loneliness and emptiness (to name a few) I realize I have returned to the same state I was emotionally back in my childhood. I think that my childhood experience is what is helping me through my grief now. I know to reach out to people, I know to surround myself with genuine souls, I know that in time things will get better and I will be able to move forward. Certainly there are also things that I am learning now to help me through, such as talking, exploring my thoughts, and leaning on my husband and family for love and support. I am also learning that I used to look for the wrong type of people in friendships. I wanted people to like me so badly that I was blinded by my own instincts to stay away from certain people. I now know why I felt and feel the connection to certain people and not others. I feel more clearheaded which is such a relief. I am reaping some of the benefits of feeling grief so deeply. Don't get me wrong, I would give anything to hold my dear Julia in my arms again, to have her be our living daughter at home, a sister for Ethan, but I am also thankful that I realize that I have the opportunity for emotional growth, and understanding myself better while travelling on this journey. I know that I will be a better mother, wife, daughter, friend, and role model because of it, and for this I am thankful. The journey is still not over and I have so much more growing to do but I feel like I can look forward to my future.
I have read that when you are grieving, all past experiences of loss of any sort that were not properly dealt with come back. I am starting to realize that I am dealing with this very thing, and it was not grieving the death of someone loved. It was being emotionally stripped down while I was in elementary school, being teased in front of all my pears, made fun of, talked of behind people’s backs. I felt so alone and scared and I think instinctively I knew at that time that I needed to be with people who were genuine, but not realizing it outwardly. I had to be with people who could understand and feel the same pain I did. I had a girlfriend that was this person to me, but alas, she has gotten lost along the way, I feel like she isn't in touch with her needs and is building the wrong future for herself. Anyways, she and I drifted apart and as she got more friends in high school she became less genuine and in some cases deceiving. During my school years I saw the pain in others who experienced the same as I did and I wanted to reach out to help them, to make them feel better. Occasionally this has backfired on me. Once those I helped felt better again, they went back to being the same superficial people as before. Oh the pain and failure I felt at making friends...all because I wanted a genuine girlfriend who was not afraid of being herself.
I have always been one to talk about personal, meaningful, things; I was never good at small talk. I have never had a problem with bearing my soul to others whom I trusted, I feel that being open is the only way I know how to communicate with my friends. I think it may have made some people uncomfortable, not wanting to do the same in return.
I have one dear girlfriend who unfortunately lives a couple hours from me. She is so very genuine. I always felt such a connection with her, even after being apart for months we would still have those amazing chats as if we had just talked yesterday. She has had her fair share of difficulties during her life which I think has made her to be the loving, caring, genuine person that she is. During my grieving process she is the one who I know has felt what I feel - each one of her emails has made me cry because I felt such compassion and understanding from her. I feel like going through my grief for Julia has in turn enabled me to understand the process how she became the person she has. I believe that I was always a genuine person, but I believe too that there is always more that I could do to become even more caring, less materialistic, and to see inside people, not just what their outward appearance is.
Looking at my relationship with my husband with this new realization about the process of grieving, helps me to deeper understand a part of the connection we feel. He too was ridiculed in elementary school and was alone. He too had to suffer the hardships of teasing and being stripped of a childhood of happiness and naivety. I believe because of this he is such a smart, loving and genuine man and I love him so much. Certainly this is not the only basis of our relationship, but I feel closer to him understanding more deeply the emotional connection and state of being we share having been down a similar road in our childhood. I understand why our experiences made us the people we are today.
Being in this grieving state of feeling pain, hurt, regret, anger, sadness, loneliness and emptiness (to name a few) I realize I have returned to the same state I was emotionally back in my childhood. I think that my childhood experience is what is helping me through my grief now. I know to reach out to people, I know to surround myself with genuine souls, I know that in time things will get better and I will be able to move forward. Certainly there are also things that I am learning now to help me through, such as talking, exploring my thoughts, and leaning on my husband and family for love and support. I am also learning that I used to look for the wrong type of people in friendships. I wanted people to like me so badly that I was blinded by my own instincts to stay away from certain people. I now know why I felt and feel the connection to certain people and not others. I feel more clearheaded which is such a relief. I am reaping some of the benefits of feeling grief so deeply. Don't get me wrong, I would give anything to hold my dear Julia in my arms again, to have her be our living daughter at home, a sister for Ethan, but I am also thankful that I realize that I have the opportunity for emotional growth, and understanding myself better while travelling on this journey. I know that I will be a better mother, wife, daughter, friend, and role model because of it, and for this I am thankful. The journey is still not over and I have so much more growing to do but I feel like I can look forward to my future.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Thankful for you!
I came across this poem today and I thought of all my blogging friends. I am so grateful that my friend Meredith introduced me to all of you. Travelling this road is not one any of us want to do, but it sure is easier with all of you. Thank you.
Friendship's Road
Written by author unknown
I have a warm and friendly feeling
As I think of you today;
And I wish that we could visit,
But you're many miles away.
Separated by such distance,
Yet our emails bring us near;
Through the miles we share a friendship
That's become to me most dear.
Friends through correspondence;
Still, your face I need not see
For your soul shines through the words
Every time you write to me.
You have a special way of writing,
Warming as the sunshine rays,
Bringing joy and inspiration,
Brightening up my days.
You have enriched my life, my dear one,
And I'm glad God willed we meet,
"Friendship's Road" is that much nicer
Traveling it with one so sweet.
Friendship's Road
Written by author unknown
I have a warm and friendly feeling
As I think of you today;
And I wish that we could visit,
But you're many miles away.
Separated by such distance,
Yet our emails bring us near;
Through the miles we share a friendship
That's become to me most dear.
Friends through correspondence;
Still, your face I need not see
For your soul shines through the words
Every time you write to me.
You have a special way of writing,
Warming as the sunshine rays,
Bringing joy and inspiration,
Brightening up my days.
You have enriched my life, my dear one,
And I'm glad God willed we meet,
"Friendship's Road" is that much nicer
Traveling it with one so sweet.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
New found confidence
The last few days of this week were challenging for me. On Thursday I went back to the hospital where Julia was born for the first time. I was first meeting a social worker to drop off a donation for the antenatal ward and some really cute preemie hats my mom had knitted. While I was waiting for her I realized I was just outside the neo natal ward. Babies were being rolled by and I was okay for a short time, until I thought of how my Julia was almost one of them. Thankfully there was a visitor lounge nearby where I was able to wait. It was so nice to talk to the social worker and to tell her how happy I was for all the positive experiences the hospital was able to provide for me...the memory box, all the suggestions and advice of the nurses, the visit of a social worker prior to me being discharged from the hospital. She was also so open to new suggestions and ideas I had for the ward. I was also very touched at a pin and story she gave me, the Dragonfly Story. I'm sure many of you have already heard the story and know how it touches the heart.
Next visit was to the 4B clinic, the clinic where I had gone for all my prenatal appointments and ultrasounds. I had called ahead of time so that they would have the requisition papers ready for my blood work so it would only be an in/out for me at that office. Do you think they had those papers ready?? Of course not! I was asked to go and sit for a few minutes while they prepared them. I just stared at the receptionist like "You have got to be kidding me!". The waiting room was the fullest I have ever seen it. There had to have been between 10 to 15 women waiting there, bellies bulging, laughing and sharing stories. I sat down on the first seat and just stared at the floor, completely ridgid. I was trying so hard...I started to feel claustaphobic, couldn't breathe...I lost it. I interrupted the receptionist to tell her I was leaving to wait elsewhere and ran out the door. I had to wait at least 10 minutes for the nurse to come out with the papers for my blood work. I couldn't believe it...she even asked me if I was alright! Could she not see the tears, my red eyes? (I have been a bit short tempered and sarcastic lately which is really uncharacteristic of me - I have been reassured though, that my lovely self will eventually return.) I should have told her that they should know better than to ask me to wait in there, to have an alternative waiting area, but all I could say was that I'd be fine. I think I'll mention it in two weeks on the 17th when I have my follow up appt.
The visit with my friends was really nice. My friends' baby was so small and so perfect...a miracle and a blessing. I eventually held him and so many memories of my son being at that age came back. There were so many times during that night that I thought of Julia and what might have been, but I was okay. It was nice to be out with friends. When I got home I took out Julia's memory box and cried. It wasn't a terrible cry, they were tears of love - I love and miss her so much and I just wanted to hold her at that moment. I fell asleep with her blanket.
I have been experiencing so many thoughts and emotions these past 6 weeks. I am just starting to try to piece them together to learn more about myself, my relationships, my new outlook on life. It's not easy. In some aspects I don't think I have changed very much but there are so many new things swirling around in my head that are a part of the new me, but I just don't feel like I can grasp at them so I can't make sense of them. I don't know if that makes sense or not...
Anyhow, I am proud of myself for facing the unknowns around those corners and for the most part everything turned out okay. There are still so many hurdles and challenges in the days ahead and now I feel a little more confident to handle them.
Next visit was to the 4B clinic, the clinic where I had gone for all my prenatal appointments and ultrasounds. I had called ahead of time so that they would have the requisition papers ready for my blood work so it would only be an in/out for me at that office. Do you think they had those papers ready?? Of course not! I was asked to go and sit for a few minutes while they prepared them. I just stared at the receptionist like "You have got to be kidding me!". The waiting room was the fullest I have ever seen it. There had to have been between 10 to 15 women waiting there, bellies bulging, laughing and sharing stories. I sat down on the first seat and just stared at the floor, completely ridgid. I was trying so hard...I started to feel claustaphobic, couldn't breathe...I lost it. I interrupted the receptionist to tell her I was leaving to wait elsewhere and ran out the door. I had to wait at least 10 minutes for the nurse to come out with the papers for my blood work. I couldn't believe it...she even asked me if I was alright! Could she not see the tears, my red eyes? (I have been a bit short tempered and sarcastic lately which is really uncharacteristic of me - I have been reassured though, that my lovely self will eventually return.) I should have told her that they should know better than to ask me to wait in there, to have an alternative waiting area, but all I could say was that I'd be fine. I think I'll mention it in two weeks on the 17th when I have my follow up appt.
The visit with my friends was really nice. My friends' baby was so small and so perfect...a miracle and a blessing. I eventually held him and so many memories of my son being at that age came back. There were so many times during that night that I thought of Julia and what might have been, but I was okay. It was nice to be out with friends. When I got home I took out Julia's memory box and cried. It wasn't a terrible cry, they were tears of love - I love and miss her so much and I just wanted to hold her at that moment. I fell asleep with her blanket.
I have been experiencing so many thoughts and emotions these past 6 weeks. I am just starting to try to piece them together to learn more about myself, my relationships, my new outlook on life. It's not easy. In some aspects I don't think I have changed very much but there are so many new things swirling around in my head that are a part of the new me, but I just don't feel like I can grasp at them so I can't make sense of them. I don't know if that makes sense or not...
Anyhow, I am proud of myself for facing the unknowns around those corners and for the most part everything turned out okay. There are still so many hurdles and challenges in the days ahead and now I feel a little more confident to handle them.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
This week's challenges...
A couple of days ago my 2 year old son, Ethan, asked me "Where is your baby Mama?" (We had occasionally talked about the baby in Mommy's tummy and asked him if he wanted a brother or a sister. I am sometimes amazed at the memory a 2 year old can have.) I picked him up and told him that Mommy's baby is in heaven. Mommy's baby died and is never coming home. Mommy is really sad and sometimes Mommy will need special hugs to feel better. The spirit, the essence, the soul of Mommy's baby is with us and will watch over us. I know he didn't understand, but it seemed to satisfy him. When my son gets older I want him to understand that he had a sister, but she died when she was born. I will tell him again when he is ready.
Today I filled out an EI form for maternity leave. (Here in Canada we get 17 weeks of leave if your baby is born after 20 weeks gestation but does not live.) It was a very difficult thing to do, especially filling out the birth date and expected birth date. It brought it all back.
I am a little afraid of this coming Friday, afraid of how I will react, what I will be thinking. In the morning I will be going to have follow-up blood work done. Going back to the hospital where I was poked so many times, back to the hospital where I last saw Julia, back to all the memories. In the evening I will be visiting my friend who had her baby on December 27th. My other work friends will be there, one of whom is pregnant and is due one week earlier than I would have been. I am optimistic that I will be okay, I felt only happiness and a wish for everything to continue to be okay with my pregnant friend when I saw her last week, and when I think of seeing my friend's baby I think of how blessed she and her husband are, and how I will be holding a miracle of life.
Life goes on. There are so many things that I put on hold and have been hesitant to do. This week I am starting to venture out into the unexpected. Unexpected because these things will incorporate themselves differently into a part of my new life, unexpected because I don't know how I will react, what I will feel. I welcome it though, I know it is time for me to stop protecting myself, learn about my new self, and move forward.
Today I filled out an EI form for maternity leave. (Here in Canada we get 17 weeks of leave if your baby is born after 20 weeks gestation but does not live.) It was a very difficult thing to do, especially filling out the birth date and expected birth date. It brought it all back.
I am a little afraid of this coming Friday, afraid of how I will react, what I will be thinking. In the morning I will be going to have follow-up blood work done. Going back to the hospital where I was poked so many times, back to the hospital where I last saw Julia, back to all the memories. In the evening I will be visiting my friend who had her baby on December 27th. My other work friends will be there, one of whom is pregnant and is due one week earlier than I would have been. I am optimistic that I will be okay, I felt only happiness and a wish for everything to continue to be okay with my pregnant friend when I saw her last week, and when I think of seeing my friend's baby I think of how blessed she and her husband are, and how I will be holding a miracle of life.
Life goes on. There are so many things that I put on hold and have been hesitant to do. This week I am starting to venture out into the unexpected. Unexpected because these things will incorporate themselves differently into a part of my new life, unexpected because I don't know how I will react, what I will feel. I welcome it though, I know it is time for me to stop protecting myself, learn about my new self, and move forward.
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